


Call Me Baby

by MadDub



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-03-12
Updated: 2014-09-01
Packaged: 2018-01-15 10:33:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 25,673
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1301713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MadDub/pseuds/MadDub
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If there's one thing that scares John Egbert, it's an angry troll. Of course, that might be partly because he's incessantly bullied by a group of trolls in school, but luckily for him, he has an online friend perfectly angry to help. Now if only he could keep his friends from dating the aliens, things might be alright. Or would be, if it wasn't for Karkat Vantas.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Bleh. If anyone knows an easier way than pasting those long, technical thingies in front of each phrase I want colored, I'd appreciate it if you'd share your wisdom.  
> Please. I'm begging you.  
> And yes, I am perfectly aware that my pesterlog isn't colored. No need to point it out.  
> Also, this was loosely inspired by one of zilleniose's plots from tumblr. I do have some of my own stuff, so I'm not a total copycat, but I'd thought I'd throw that out there anyways.

 

John Egbert was not looking forward to school.

A victim of ~~troll phobia~~ unceasing hatred of all trolls, he had a very difficult time going to public school, where there were always trolls bustling about, being huge douchebags and spray painting his locker and crap.

Luckily, there weren't any more trolls in John's school than there were humans, the population a good 50:50 ratio. However, when one hated (read: feared) trolls as much as John Egbert did, it didn't make your world too much easier either way. Trolls were still trolls, and in the end, he simply tried to avoid them as much as possible, though they typically didn't mind.

Though trolls and humans were viewed as equal in court, society, and everywhere else, the two groups tended to hate each other, constantly pulling things in order to sabotage them at work or school, bullying each other, and frequently attacking one another. While not rare, it was extremely uncommon for people of either group to befriend someone of the other, and downright rare to find trolls who would actually date a human and vice versa.

What made matters worse were that the trolls were actually naturally stronger than humans, as well as a bit faster. They didn't look anything alike, and with their horns, fangs, and claws, they tended to come off as quite intimidating.

Still, it didn't stop humans from attacking trolls, too, or doing things to make the other angry, nor did it stop rivalries from igniting between the two groups.

In fact, there was one particular group of trolls John and his friends had the most trouble with or hated the most, a specific group in which challenges, rivalries, and sabotages came and went when concerning the four human buddies. This group was compromised of ten trolls in all, three of which, however, claimed not to care either way, and had no desire to mess with the poor humans. That's not to say it stopped the other seven, and because of their superior numbers and strengths, not to mention the fact that most of them were a grade or so older, it tended to mean that the trolls won. Not always, however, but most of the time, even if the humans didn't want to admit it, the trolls won.

Suffice to say, the humans might have hated the trolls more than the trolls hated the humans.

Or at least, according to Jade, Dave and John did. Apparently the girls didn't much care for all the hate-fighting anymore, which, when introduced in the wee hours of the morning as the small group gathered in front of the school, was not exactly warmly welcomed.

"What do you mean?" John demanded, eyes widening in disbelief, "Those trolls have been messing with us since we were little wobbling toddlers! How could you _not_ dislike them?!"

"Oh, I still dislike them. In fact, I daresay I still hate them," Rose clarified, "However, I have come to realize that it's both impractical and impossible for the entire race of trolls to be identical in behavior and personality. Some of them most be good, it wouldn't make logical sense for the whole species to be bad apples."

"How do you know?" John asked, flailing his arms about, "They're a different _species_! They have their own rules for things like that as far as we know!"

"Well, we don't know. And so I'm not going to pass the mighty hand of judgment on the whole lot quite yet."

"She does have a point, you know!" Jade exclaimed, immediately crossing over to join Rose's side, placing a hand gently on the other girl's shoulder.

"What about you, Dave? Are you still with me?" John questioned desperately, wheeling around to face his best friend.

"I haven't met any decent trolls. But it would be kind of ironic if I sided with the girls . . ." the blonde murmured thoughtfully, pushing his sunglasses back in place over his face.

"Dave!"

"I'm kidding, Egbert. Don't get your panties in a twist."

A snicker sounded directly behind them, a dreadfully familiar one, and with the feeling of his gut sinking, John turned to see what his friends were already looking at, knowing even before he turned who was behind him.

And indeed, right there in his face was none other than one of the trolls by the name of Vriska, who had an eye patch-like thing on one of her glasses' lends. A tumbling waterfall of black led all the way down her back, ending just a bit past her waist, her lips colored with blue lipstick (which was kind of odd to John, not that he usually mentioned it) and eyes lined in blue eyeliner.

"I always knew you wore panties, Johnny," she mocked, laughing to herself.

John felt his face heat up in anger and embarrassment, "I do not! Dave was just joking around!"

Normally Dave would go along with the other party in order to keep teasing John, but not when it was trolls involved. Especially _this_ particular group of trolls, though when he looked around, John noticed he didn't see many of the others from Vriska's group, only Nepta and Equis, who were off a distance discussing something amongst themselves, and appeared very much focused on their conversation.

Was Vriska really risking coming at the humans alone? How weird. John was always used to at least a few members of the group hassling them, but not usually only one troll. It was abnormal.

"Leave us alone, will you?" Jade spat at Vriska, looking noticeably angry now. "We weren't even bothering you!"

"But John!" she gasped, taking a step forward, closer to him. Though he didn't like trolls in the least, he couldn't help but blush as her close proximity. After all, she was still a girl—and a very attractive one at that—and he didn't get much (if any) attention from that group, besides Jade and Rose. "How can you be so much of a jerk? I haven't even done anything yet, and already you're telling me to get lost? That's a bit rude, don't you think?"

He opened his mouth, but had no idea what to say to that. Dang girl and her stupid female charms!

Luckily, Jade swooped in to save the day. "Hey, no need to put him on the spot like that! We all know what you do to your 'friends,' and if that's how you treat _them_ , we don't want anything to do with you!"

_Go Jade!_ John's inner mind cheered, unable to hold back the grin that alighted his face.

"Hmph. I only play around," the she-troll said dismissively, flipping a long lock of black hair behind her shoulder and taking a blessed step back away from John, allowing him a mental sigh of relief. "But if that's how you want it, fine; I'll leave." She side-shayed away from the small group of humans, all of whom watched her until she rejoined her troll group, breathing loud sighs of relief.

"Anyway," Dave said, breaking the tense silence the troll girl left behind, "I randomly heard someone is currently dating an anonymous someone else."

"Oh yeah!" Jade exclaimed, jumping up and down happily as she turned to look at Rose. "Who's the lucky guy, huh?"

"Pardon me for any rudeness, but who said anything about my partner being of the male variety?" Rose asked, raising a delicate fair brow.

"You're into girls?" John blurted before he could help himself, receiving looks from all around. "Er, not that that's a bad thing or anything! I'm just—surprised. I never heard anything about your liking other girls. Then again, you've never really talked about guys either, now that I think about it . . ."

"So, who's the lucky lady?" Dave asked, ignoring the nervously babbling John.

"I'm going to keep that information to myself for now, as I'm still not certain whether we're 'officially dating' or not." she replied, shrugging her slim shoulders. "It's rather complicated, but I'll be sure to keep you three updated."

"Woo!" John and Jade cheered.

Dave didn't reply; too busy shoving his hands in his pockets and posing coolly to respond like a happy dork.

The four continued chattering contently, all the way until the bell rang, signaling that they needed to hurry up and get to class. Unfortunately, John had his first period alone, and so after walking with his friends to their lockers, which were a bit spread out, or as Jade preferred to say, "Miles apart from one another."

So it was here the young Egbert bided his friends farewell and headed to his English class, thumbs slipping underneath his backpack straps as he practically bounced down the hall.

The room was already three-quarters full when he entered, students spread out in clusters throughout the room, talking and laughing too loudly, though John didn't ever mind. His own desk tended to be deserted amongst the chaos of bodies and voices, which was nice, if not a bit sad. However, unluckily for him one of the twelve trolls shared first period with him, and it might not have been so bad, had this troll not sat diagonal to him, and had this troll not been one of the angrier, more violent ones.

Karkat Vantas wasn't even talking to anyone else when he walked in; instead, the older student sat in his desk, resting his sharp jaw on his fists, face twisted into a scowl as he stared ahead of him into the distance, brooding, most likely. It was one of the most dangerous times to be around Karkat, not only because he was already working himself up into a bad mood, but because he tended to say and do very confusing things that made no sense to John.

Trying to make as little noise as possible, John slowly tiptoed to his seat, gently setting his bag down next to his desk and very carefully sliding into his chair, being careful to keep it from moving and alerting the troll of his presence.

Luckily for him, Vantas didn't even seem to notice, too busy glaring at the air ahead of him to notice the nervous human just a few measly feet away from him. Which was good, because John didn't really feel like getting picked up off his feet by the collar of his shirt again, nor did he feel like wiping off the collection of spit that would splatter his face once Karkles began yelling at him.

He tried not to look straight at the troll, fidgeting uncomfortably in his chair. Somehow, he was certain if he anxiously watched Karkat, waiting for him to turn around and notice him, it would eventually happen.

When the bell signaling the start of class rang and the troll still hadn't noticed him, John breathed a loud sigh of relief, not caring that his nemesis finally started and turned to glare at him, because the teacher was in the room by then and already up at the board, calling for silence.

Karkat was forced to turn around and fix his attention forward, or at the very least, face forward and pretend to pay attention. John simply bathed in the happiness not being bullied by Karkat brought him until the end of the period. Unfortunately, that seemed to be where his luck ran out.

Usually John is one of the last kids to leave the classroom, as he's so slow getting all of his things together and zipping it safely into his backpack. He never minded his own slowness; in fact, due to his snail-like pace, he typically avoided too much traffic by the door of the classroom, which was always a good thing in his eyes. However, he didn't notice the teacher following the rest of the kids out of the classroom, nor did he observe the small detail that he wasn't totally alone as he stood up and began filing away his notes and textbook into his bag, humming obliviously to himself.

No, it wasn't until he felt something shove hard against his back, sending him stumbling so hard into his chair he knocked it over, twisting clumsily in the air only to fall with his body painfully and awkwardly draped over it, that he realized he had never seen Karkat Vantas leave the classroom with the other students, not that he usually paid attention to who all left anyways.

"Ow," John whined, pushing himself away from the collapsed chair, forcefully pulling his entangled legs away from the hard metal contraption.

Karkat snatched him by the collar before he could put anymore distance between them, pulling the dorky human up so his feet dangled above the floor just a centimeter or two, his face level with that of his enemy troll's, who glared with his strange eyes, the hatred and anger in their depths nothing unfamiliar to the human boy.

"Egderp," he hissed, lips pulling back into a sneer that revealed a row of pointed white fangs.

"Karkles," John choked back, uselessly pulling on the troll's hands in an attempt to force the other to let go of him. Of course, it didn't even falter the troll, but John refused to admit defeat so easily.

"Who the fuck do you think you are?" he sneered, the anger radiating off of him in heavy waves.

John didn't get the chance to answer with his own retort before he was slammed on top of his desk, groaning as his back screamed out its pain, arching in order to attempt to avoid the blunt of the pain. It didn't exactly work, and probably only succeeded in making him look like a loony idiot, but Karkat seemed more focused on glowering at him from above than making fun of his dumb responses.

"Let go of me!" John exclaimed, wiggling around in a vain attempt to get out of Karkat's hold.

The troll's grip just tightened, and he slammed Egbert back into the desk again, earning a soft groan of pain. "Shut up, Egderp. Gog, I don't know how I stand your bull**** every day. It's the most annoying ****ing thing I've yet come across, which is surprising, since I'm friends with a bunch of untrustworthy moronic grubs."

"Well, so are you! So there!" John oh-so-wittily retorted, earning another body-slam. "Ow."

The anger on Karkat's face was enough to make John shrink back in terror, palms going clammy with sweat and eyes widening. His gray skin was actually ever so slightly flushed pink, his fangs gritted, dark lips pulled back to show off the impressive array of sharp pearly white's, dark eyes narrowed dangerously down at him. The frightened human fought off the urge to shudder or scream.

The troll opened his mouth, rage still oozing off of him in thick, heated clouds, but the bell rang, cutting in to whatever insult was about to spew from his mouth, and with a displeased noise, he threw John back into the desk and walked away, backpack already slung over his shoulder and body aiming for the door.

All John could do was release a breath he hadn't known he was holding, sinking back limply against the desk, not caring that he was going to be late for his second period.

* * *

-ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]-

EB: i tried to take your advice. it didnt work :'B

CG: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN IT DIDN'T WORK? WERE YOU BEING A CHICKEN SHIT ABOUT IT? OR DID YOU BY SOME SOPOR-INDUCED MIRACLE ACTUALLY FOLLOW MY FUCKING INSTRUCTIONS?

CG: NO, DON'T ANSWER THAT

CG: IF YOU HAD FOLLOWED MY ****ING DETAILED AS SHIT INSTRUCTIONS, IT WOULD HAVE WORKED

EB: i did follow your instructions! one of the guys i told you about was in my first period

EB: i was just going to leave with everyone else but i didnt realize he hadnt left. it was awful. he slammed me against the desk and everything! not that i want to sound like a whiny baby that poops myself every time i get scared, but it hurt!

CG: WELL SHIT. DID YOU STAND UP TO HIM LIKE I TOLD YOU TO DO?

EB: yes!

EB: well . . . sort of, anyway

EB: i couldnt help it though, he's really scary! And he's stronger than me, and has more friends than i do, and we were all by ourselves with no one around to hear or help me . . .

EB: so excuse me if i decided not to confront him quite yet! he could have seriously hurt me!

CG: DON'T BE A NOOKSNIFFING WRIGGLER. IF YOU WANT THAT ****ASS TO LEAVE YOU ALONE, YOU HAVE TO STAND THE **** UP AND TELL HIM TO BACK THE **** DOWN, KIND OF LIKE BARKBEASTS. THEY ATTACK EACH OTHER ALL THE TIME TO ASSERT DOMINANCE AND SHIT. BE LIKE THE BARKBEAST.

CG: OR BETTER YET, BE THE BARKBEAST

EB: you want me to be a dog? im not sure thats going to help much . . .

CG: NO, SHIT FOR BRAINS. I WANT YOU TO GROW A BULGE AND DEFEND YOURSELF. GOG HELP ME IF YOU DIE OR SOME SHIT.

EB: awww. do you worry about me? :B

CG: ABSOLUTELY NOT. GOG. I COULDN'T TELL YOU HOW MUCH I DESPISE YOUR STUPID EMOTICONS AND IM-****ING-PROPER GRAMMAR. IT IS THE MOST ANNOYING THING I HAVE ENCOUNTERED SINCE MY SO-CALLED FRIEND REPLACED ALL OF MY FOOD WITH THE HUMAN "CRAYONS" OF VARYING COLORS.

CG: IT WAS THE MOST HORRIFYING THING I'D SEEN. IMAGINE BEING ALONE, HUNGRY, AND WEAK, EXPECTING A CHILLBOX FULL OF FOOD AND THEN BAM. TROLL BLOOD-COLORED HUMAN CREATIONS EVERYWHERE.

EB: thats awful! what did you do?

CG: I WENT TO MY MOIRAIL'S HOUSE, WHAT THE **** DO YOU THINK I DID? I WASN'T JUST GOING TO STARE AT THE CRAYONS AND STARVE.

EB: well thats a relief, i guess. did you ever talk to your friend about it?

CG: IF YOU MEAN DID I YELL AT HER IN THE MOST INTIMIDATING AND PARENTAL WAY POSSIBLE, THEN YES. YES I ****ING DID.

EB: oh. shoot. i have to go now.

EB: see ya later!

CG: YEAH, YEAH. ABANDON ME AFTER I GIVE YOU MY WISE ADVICE AND CHEER YOU UP WITH EMBARRASING AS SHIT STORIES. SEE IF I CARE.

CG: DIDN'T WHATEVER ACTS AS YOUR GUARDIAN TEACH YOU BETTER MANNERS?

EB: *giggles* okay, but seriously, i have to go now! bye!

-ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]-

CG: WHAT A LITTLE GRUBSHIT

* * *

John was feeling a lot better once the lunch bell rolled around, and happily bounded over to sit with his friends outside at their usual lunch table. Rose and Dave were already sitting at the table, talking quietly amongst themselves whenever John plopped down next to them, grinning happily.

"'Sup Egderp," Dave said by way of greeting.

"Hello to you, fellow classmate," Rose waved, smiling ever so slightly.

"Where's Jade?" John questioned, still smiling as he set his lunchbox out on the picnic table, praying that for once, his dad hadn't packed a slice of cake or a single cupcake away with the rest of his meal.

"I do believe she is waiting in line to receive her lunch tray," Rose commented, sipping at a water bottle thoughtfully. "She'll be back any minute now. Did you adoptive father pack you anything interesting today?" Of course, his friends knew all about his complicated family circumstances, but that was alright, as John wasn't too hung up or hurt over it anyway, and besides, he also knew all about THEIR really complex family dynamics as well.

John opened up his lunchbox and peeked inside dreadfully, feeling the bile rise up in his throat as he spotted the container sitting on top of the rest of his lunch, filled with none other than the most unspeakable, evil dish to ever be baked into existence: Betty Crocker cookies.

"Take them!" he commanded, throwing the container towards Dave and Rose, who both lunged for the plastic box at the same time, pushing and clawing at each other as they fought over it. For some inane reason, the two thought his dad's pastries were "delicacies," as did most everyone else who ever seemed to have the misfortune of meeting and tasting one of John's dad's desserts.

The rest of his lunch was, thankfully, normal: a PB&J sandwich, a sandwich bag full of baby carrots, and a bottle of water. Lunch of the champions.

Dave had just taken claim to the container of cakes, holding them up higher than Rose could reach, when they were suddenly snatched from his thin hands entirely. All three human freshmen looked up into the grinning face of Gamzee Makara, who honked a small horn gleefully, eyes shining. "Sup, mother****ers?"

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to the wonderful advice of Gear_King, I was actually able to color this time! Woohoo!  
> I apologize for the terrible jokes and humor, as well as the long pesterlog. Just pretend it's all slightly funny and all shall be well.

As it was, Gamzee turned out not to be alone.

Vriska and Terezi were quick to step into view, grinning like the malicious trolls they were. The humans all noticeably tensed, not liking where this was going. One troll was enough of a menace by itself, but three on three? That screamed trouble.

Matters became even worse when Karkat joined them, scowling down at the humans, crossing his arms over his chest as if he wished he were currently looking down at anyone else.

Four on three. This was looking worse and worse.

John glanced around nervously, looking for any side of Jade, but Dave apparently decided to show he had more guts than any of his other friends, turning his head to look straight upwards, as if towards the ceiling, though they all knew he was actually looking up at Gamzee, who was still towering above him. He arched a fair brow and pointed to the container of Betty Crocker pastries, "Do you have any idea how hard I just worked to get those? Not cool, dude."

Gamzee looked mildly surprised at this news, "Wha—? What's so mother***in' good about these things? They look like all kinds of tears, human bro."

He popped the lid and tore a slice off swiftly, popping it into his mouth before Dave or Rose could protest, though by their pale faces, John figured they were pretty horrified.

"Hey, that's pretty chill," the clownish troll said, sounding outright astonished now. "What is this stuff?"

"That, my dear trollian fiend, is the shit heaven is made of," Dave answered solemnly, causing John to burst out laughing. Unfortunately, it was incredibly awkward, as all Rose seemed able to do was smile fondly, and the other trolls looked on in silence, but John never could contain his bouts of laughter if something humorous happened. "John, you are officially the most derpy."

He opened his mouth to reply with something especially witty (who was he kidding; everything he said was especially witty), but was interrupted by Karkat, who suddenly stomped forward, anger written all over his face. "Shut up Strider and John humans. Gog, you're all so ****ing annoying. Don't you wrigglers have an off switch?"

"Trolls have off switches?" John questioned, puzzled at this new discovery.

"Of course we do, you stupid bag of shit for brains!" Karkat hissed, glowering so powerfully John was half afraid he'd get some sort of cancer or radiation poisoning from the intense gaze, "We were the ones who created your race, remember ****ass?"

"Technically, that's still up for debate," Rose interjected, going back to her lunch tray.

"Debate? There's no debate about it. We _made_ you stupidass humans, and we could easily un-make you." he snarled.

"You can't un-make something that's already made, Karbro," Gamzee chimed unhelpfully, causing his best friend to growl, "No miracles would help you out there."

"Shut up. I didn't ask you."

"You shouldn't be so mean to your friends," John said, frowning. This was beginning to feel like something of a game to him, now that he knew the trolls had no seriously ill intent other than irritating the humans. Otherwise, something would have already been done by then, and so he allowed his body to relax, noting that Rose and Dave looked more comfortable now, too. Even so, his hands were still trembling ever-so-slightly, and his stomach was in knots, but he hid it as best he could, keeping a goofy grin on his face and his shaking hands hidden under the table.

However, to say it was unexpected to have his arm suddenly wrenched behind his back hard enough to make him cry out, body slammed forward into the table and causing their trays to shake, would have been a bit of an understatement.

"I'm sorry, did I _ask_ you, shit****?" Karkat's voice hissed next to his ear, hot breath tickling its outer shell.

The troll's grip was so tight on his arm John knew he'd have bruises there by tomorrow; Karkat's long nails were also cutting into his soft skin, deep enough that he thought he could feel his blood bubbling over onto unmarred bits of flesh. The feeling of a troll there, right behind him, holding him immobile against the table, continually tugging his arm up his back until he thought it would break was utterly and unspeakably terrifying. Cold sweat was trickling between his shoulder blades, even as he swallowed and opened his mouth to answer, skin breaking out in frightened goose bumps and heart pumping in his ears.

"L-let go of me!" he sputtered, eyes wide, "What are you even—?"

"Shut it!" His arm was yanked upwards again, causing John to gasp in surprise and pain.

"Hey, what the **** do you think you're doing?" Dave demanded expressionlessly, moving to stand only to be shoved back into his seat by Vriska, who smirked at Karkat and John in an amused sort of way. "Don't touch me, dude."

Vriska snorted, flipping her hair over her shoulder, "What are you going to do about it? Attack me?"

Gamzee and Terezi noticeably faltered, the clown-faced troll shifting uncertainly and Terezi's smile fading somewhat as she glanced nervously between her two aggressing troll friends. After all, as fun as it was to pick on the humans, going so far as to hurt one wasn't what they usually did, nor was it legally or otherwise right.

"I must ask you to release both of the young men in your hold immediately." Rose commanded, turning to look at both offending trolls dead in the eye.

"I agree with Rose," John groaned beneath Karkat.

"Shut your word hole, John human," the male troll snapped, giving his arm another cruel tug. "Why would I bother to listen to you, Lalonde?"

"For multiple reasons, such as wanting to become a better person, sparing the guilt you may or may not feel later when by yourself and contemplating past events, and because the teachers on patrol are very close to us at the current moment."

That made Karkat start and turn around, hissing out more colorful cuss words as he released his captive's arm and hurried back over to his friends, mumbling to them, "Come on, let's get out of here."

Vriska followed behind with a mock-pout and a hair flip, turning only once to throw a smirk at the humans over her shoulder as she leisurely made her way back to the trolls' table. John could only watch, feeling his legs and arms quivering, the relief at being free and away from the trolls a physical release of stress and terror he hadn't known he had until they were a good distance away.

"****!" Dave suddenly shouted, startling the poor recovering Egbert and Rose. "Pennywise took the damn cookies!"

Rose's expression noticeably darkened, "That is unacceptable. Savagery of the worst kind. Stay where you are, comrades, I will be back in a short moment with the spoils of war." And with that, she stood and swept away, the rigidness of her shoulders telling the boys that this human girl meant business. John was just glad she hadn't wanted him to go too, not that he wouldn't have! But still, those trolls were terrifying! Rose must have had guts of steel to face them again.

* * *

-carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB]-

CG: HEY DUMBASS

EB: oh hi there! gosh, i didn't expect you to start messaging me again so soon!

CG: YEA, WELL, I WOULDN'T HAVE BOTHERED IF IT WASN'T OF THE MOST IMPORTANCE. IT'S NOT LIKE I LIKE YOU OR ANYTHING

EB: suuuuuuuure

EB: so what's up? :B

CG: WHAT IS "UP" IS THAT THESE STUPID KIDS KEEP BEING ALL STUPID AND KIDDISH. GOG, YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT IS LIKE AT MY SCHOOL

CG: IMAGINE THE HUMAN CONSTRUCT OF HELL

CG: ONLY WITH A BUNCH OF UGLY PINK-FACED CHILDREN AS THE DEMONS

CG: AND OLD TEACHER-PEOPLE AS SATAN

CG: AND THEN YOU HAVE HELL, EB. AND THEN YOU HAVE HELL.

EB: aw, it can't be that bad!

CG: **** YOU. IT IS THE WORST PIECE OF SHIT I HAVE EVER HEARD OF. WHAT DIPSHIT EVEN INVENTED SCHOOL? THEY SHOULD BE CULLED

EB: oh, don't be so dramatic! didn't you say you have like a butt ton of friends? that's a lot! you should feel lucky!

EB: i wish i had a lot of friends, but even though i don't, i really like the friends i have!

CG: OH YEAH. I KEEP FORGETTING THE MENTALLY RETARDED CHILD I TROLL HAS NO FRIENDS AND IS DESTINED TO DIE ALONE.

CG: I SUPPOSE IT'S A GOOD THING I'M HERE THEN, YOU LONELY PIECE OF SHIT

EB: uh, thanks, i guess?

CG: YOU ARE ****ING WELCOME

CG: YOU ARE MUCH TOO QUIET. IT FEELS WRONG. DID THAT PUNKASS FROM BEFORE DO SOMETHING AGAIN?

EB: er . . .

CG: OH MY GOG. HE DID. WHAT A DICK.

EB: yeah . . . but luckily my friends were here to help!

CG: WOAH. STOP RIGHT THERE, YOU FOOLISH BARKBEAST POSER.

CG: JUST STOP

CG: RIGHT THERE

CG: DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT CONTINUING

CG: JUST

CG: STOP

CG: ARE YOU ACTUALLY TRYING TO ****ING TELL ME THAT INSTEAD OF STANDING THE **** UP LIKE I TOLD YOU TO, YOU HID LIKE A COWARDLY FLUFFBEAST BEHIND YOUR FRIENDS?

EB: uh . . . maybe?

CG: NO

EB: . . . . ?

EB: dude are you still there?

EB: hello?

-carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling ectoBiologist [EB]-

EB: cg? where did you go?

-carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB]-

CG: ****. SORRY.

CG: ONE OF MY DUMB**** COMPANIONS TOOK MY PHONE

CG: THE BASTARD

EB: oh. did you yell at them?

CG: WHO? ME? NO.

CG: I AM THE POSTER-CHILD FOR PEACE AND CALM, YOU ACCUSATORY ****.

EB: wow! i had no idea! sorry for my ignorance

CG: I WILL FORGIVE YOU

CG: THIS TIME

CG: ANYWAYS, SO THIS ****ASS THAT KEEPS BULLYING YOU BECAUSE YOU'RE TOO MUCH OF A CRYGRUB TO STAND UP TO HIM/HER

CG: TELL ME ABOUT THEM

EB: well, it's a he to start off with

CG: INTERESTING. PLEASE CONTINUE

EB: and he's a troll . . .

CG: A TROLL? HOW PREDICTABLE. SOME OF THESE ASSWIPES HAVE NO CONTROL

EB: he also has nine other friends . . .

CG: AKWFIADKAFNVJ

EB: ?

CG: DID YOU JUST SAY HE HAS NINE FRIENDS? ARE THEY ALL TROLLS TOO?

EB: yea . . . but isn't that kind of obvious?

CG: GIVE ME ONE MOMENT

CG: SO YOU'RE TELLING ME THAT THIS . . . BULLY. HE IS A TROLL WITH NINE TROLL FRIENDS.

CG: TELL ME MORE

EB: wow! your really are pretty calm, huh? you haven't freaked out too badly yet, except for the whole nine friends thing!

EB: well he also goes to my school

CG: OBVIOUSLY

EB: and . . . um . . . he has really small horns

CG: ARE YOU SURE HIS HORNS ARE SMALL?

CG: THEY AREN'T JUST LIKE, I DON'T KNOW, MOSTLY HIDDEN IN HIS HAIR? MAYBE HIS HAIR IS JUST EXRETEMELY UNRULY AND VOLMNUOUS

EB: maybe, but they look pretty small and nubby

EB: and i don't know what else to say other than he's really angry all the time and curses like a sailor

CG: A WHAT?

EB: a sailor

CG: I READ THE WORD, ****ASS

CG: YOU KNOW WHAT, NEVERMIND. FORGET I EVEN ASKED

CG: WHAT'S THE NAME OF THIS TROLL BULLY?

EB: uh, i don't know if it's a good idea to hand his name over the internet like this

CG: WHAT DO YOU MEAN? YOU THINK I'M GOING TO HUNT HIM DOWN AND CULL HIM OR SOMETHING?

CG: I THOUGHT WE ALREADY ESTABLISHED THAT I AM THE SYMBOL OF CALM AND CONTROL, MORON

EB: i know that! but what if one of your friends read my messages, or what if someone else hacks into our conversation? then other people could track me down!

CG: DON'T BE AN IDIOT. WHO'D CARE ABOUT US ENOUGH TO DO THAT?

EB: i don't know, friends?

CG: OKAY, THAT'S A VALID POINT

CG: BUT I CAN PROMISE YOU TO DELETE THIS CONVERSATION ONCE WE'RE DONE

CG: SO GIVE ME HIS NAME. NOW.

CG: . . . PLEASE

EB: well since you said please :P

EB: um, gosh this is weird!

EB: like, i never expected to be giving you personal information, even if it's not about me!

CG: JUST SPIT IT OUT ALREADY, YOU THINKPANLESS NOOKSTAIN

EB: his name in school is karkat

CG: KARKAT WHAT?

EB: uh . . .

CG: PLEASE? I JUST WANT HIS NAME

CG: PLEASE

CG: I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHO'S MESSING WITH MY FRI

CG: ENEMY. FRENEMY.

EB: *giggles* i don't think that's what you were about to type! but that's okay, i consider us to be friends!

EB: his name is karkat vantes . . . ventez . . . vantaz? he's a year older than me, though

CG: SHIT

CG: I HAVE TO GO

CG: WE'LL TALK ABOUT THIS MORE LATER, SPINELESS BARKBEAST IMPOSTER

-carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling ectoBiologist [EB]-

EB: ok, bye!

* * *

Karkat Vantas could only stare, horrified, at his phone screen. "Shit."


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: oblivious boys and failed attempts at humor. Tread cautiously.  
> Also, thanks to everyone who was nice enough to leave a kudos, comment, or just . . . read this. At all. Unless you're grimacing right now. Grimacing readers get no thank you. So there.

Sollux Captor thought his after school job was okay.

It was around computers, which was good since he was naturally more talented and more relaxed with computers, and it was a simple job of monitoring the temperatures of the water and air in and around the tanks, as well as the sodium levels, inhabitant health, and the like.

Since he knew the owners of the aquarium, he also was charged with security, meaning he'd be there in the control room well into the night.

He didn't mind; he slept through most of his classes anyways, and since he had a stream of good grades in most of them, the almost all of the teachers let him do whatever he wanted. Extra hours at work just meant extra hours of sleeping in school for all he cared. Unlike his troll friends, he didn't get off on bullying humans at lunch either, so he typically snuck into the library, made himself a makeshift "bed," and slept like a rock until his alarm went off or the bell rang.

It helped that he had nightmares no matter where he slept, recuperacoon or otherwise, so none of it made the slightest difference to him.

So he honestly didn't mind his job, though he didn't exactly love it, either. It was a perfectly decent occupation, for the time being, and paid pretty well, considering he'd never have to stand up from his chair if he didn't want to. Well, unless he had to go pour some weird chemical crap into the tanks to help balance out their levels again, but he didn't have to do that a whole lot, and most of the time he could get other workers to do it for him.

It was a perfectly normal day when the company walkie-talkie began going off, all static and muffled words, startling the young pisionic. Other workers only ever used them when there was an emergency, mostly because the other staff members worked closer together than Sollux did to them, it being a fairly small, if not nice, aquarium. So if they were using the walkie-talkies, they either needed Captor himself, or someone had fallen into the tanks again.

The last time someone fell in the tanks a sea lusus had eaten the poor troll. May Jegus bless his soul.

Deciding against answering immediately, Sollux instead held the communication device up to his ear curiously, hoping whoever was trying to communicate wasn't trying to reach _him_.

"Psh, someone open the back doors! Hurry, we have a new load, and they don't have any water!" Sollux's eyes widened at the voice on the other end. Was that the _owner's_ voice? He never came down to work! Not even to deliver new "loads"!

"On it!" One of Sollux's co-workers buzzed through.

Quickly, he turned back to the wall of computers in front of him, finding the screen that showed him the scene behind the building where his boss stood, an older human who only went by the name "English." Sollux had always liked his boss, who while extremely dorky, held no prejudice towards trolls, not even the pisionics or lowbloods.

Somehow, the old geezer had lugged a seahorse lusus to the aquarium, tied up and struggling weakly. How it was still alive at all, Sollux didn't know, but it was a long way from any lakes or oceans, so he guessed it had to be pretty strong in order to still be fighting.

It was a beautiful, pure beast, easily much larger than English, and much less freakish than Sollux's deceased lusus.

How he missed bicyclopsdad.

Intrigued, Sol couldn't help but watch as they brought in the thrashing lusus, marveling at the sleek beast as they tossed it into one of the less occupied tanks, one of the stupider staff falling in after it as he tried to untie the restraints from around it. English took off his hat and mourned the newly fallen worker as his shredded clothes began bubbling to the surface, jade blood blossoming through the carefully maintained waters.

Ugh. Those stupid creatures in the tanks would be blood crazy for _days_ now. Stupid coworkers.

Sollux cursed under his breath, sitting back in his seat, eyes still trained on the newly captured lusus. And to think, despite all of his powerful pisionics, he had no idea that the creatrure they brought in was about to cause a certain landwelling troll utter and complete hell.

* * *

Karkat Vantas couldn't believe his luck.

He'd been talking to his Internet pal for longer than he cared to remember; through all of his ups and downs and spin-arounds. He confessed his first crush to ectoBiologist, talked about his goals and motivations and strengths. His online companion helped him when his insecurity became insurmountable; he'd helped him claw his way from underneath the mountain-sized pile of trashy despair in order to free himself, still stinking of sadness but oh-so-much lighter.

And this entire time, Karkat had been repaying him by being a total douchebag.

Though the Cancer still wasn't sure who EB _was_ , that hardly seemed to matter. Karkat was always spitting insults and making violent gestures to others; hell, for all he knew, the whole thing could be a prank from one of his friends. In fact, the chumbuddy could even _be_ one of his friends—it wasn't like Karkat was particularly observant or technologically inclined, he probably wouldn't have known even if the ectoBiologist turned out to be Gamzee—and they were moirails!

Such thoughts only made Karkat feel worse. He was probably the worst friend on the entire scum-bag infested planet they called Earth. Here he'd been, making his secret friend's life hell while that same friend liberated and helped him along the paths of life. Why hadn't Vantas seen it before? Of _course_ he'd be the kid's own bully! It only made sense!

Not only should the constant hints and retellings of what happened to the kid have hit Karkat, but the very fact that he was the worst person this crappy planet had yet harbored should have tipped him off! After all, who else was so capable of ruining people's lives but Karkat?

But all self-berating aside, that left the burning question of who his online friend truly was.

Though he knew it'd get him no where, he allowed his eyes to scan the room, pausing only to narrow hatefully at Egbert and his idiotic gang of human friends, laughing and spitting food like the disgusting pink monkeys they really were.

Karkat shuddered. He was probably even worse than _those_ fools. The very thought was horrifying, but he had to admit it to himself if nothing else but for the ectoBiologist.

Ugh. The things he endured for his fri-enemies. Frenemies.

"What'cha lookin' for, best friend?" Gamzee's voice asked, breath brushing Karkat's ear.

"****! Gam! What have I told you about personal space?" Karkat exclaimed, flinching away from his creepyass clown friend and glaring at him, practically sitting in Kanaya's lap now.

"Only that you are violating my own, Karkat," Kanaya answered in Gamzee's stead, raising a dark, elegant brow.

The cancer grumbled out a few choice curse words as he scooted away from Kanaya, giving her some more room, but couldn't help throwing a glower over at his moirail as if it was HIS fault Karkat had vaulted into the young woman's lap. "I'm not looking for anyone, sh*tbox. Why would you even ask me that? Everyone I ****ing need is right ****ing here."

The Capricorn shrugged, smiling dazedly, "Hey, Karbro, no need to get all up and defensive. I was just mother****in' curious as to what my bro was looking for."

"I'm not looking for anything!"

"Chiiiill, soul brother." Gamzee soothed, shoosh papping the frustrated troll until he began to finally calm down. "Now why don't you just open up that mother****in' head of yours and tell me what's on your mind. Maybe I can help you with this sh*t. Honk."

Karkat took a deep breath, trying to keep his newfound calm, even if for nothing more but a few seconds. "I'm not looking for anything, Gam. Back off."

Makara put his hands up in mock-surrender, sinking down so he could rest his chin on the lunch table. "Alright, brother. Whatever you say."

He might have continued bickering with his friend, had his phone not pinged with a message.

* * *

-twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]-

TA: hey kk

CG: WHAT THE **** DO YOU WANT?

TA: do we have any friiend2 wiith a 2ea lu2u2

CG: WHY THE HELL WOULD I CARE? I KNOW GAMZEE HAS A SEAGOATDAD OR SOME SHIT LIKE THAT. OTHER THAN THAT, BEATS THE **** OUT OF ME.

TA: are you 2ure

CG: I JUST SAID I DON'T ****ING KNOW

CG: WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME? A BLOOD OATH? **** THAT, I WON'T BE TRICKED INTO HAVING MY BLOOD COLOR REVEALED LIKE YOU SAVAGES

CG: RUNNING AROUND WITH YOUR DAMN COLORS PAINTED ALL OVER YOU, LEAVING RAINBOW COLORS ALL OVER THE CARPET AND FURNITURE. WHO TAUGHT YOU ASSHATS MANNERS ANYWAY? OBVIOUSLY EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR LUSI ARE EVERY BIT AS MORONIC AS THE REST OF YOU

TA: my lu2u2 ii2 dead, a22hole

CG: SHIT. I AM SO SORRY

TA: yea, whatever

CG: NO, REALLY

CG: I GENUINELY FEEL BAD ABOUT THIS NOW. SHIT. I AM SUCH AN AWFUL ****ING PERSON. WHY THE HELL DO I EVEN EXIST?

CG: SOMETIMES I THINK I WAS ONLY BORN TO TORMENT EVERYONE ELSE ON THIS GOGDAMN PLANET

TA: yea

CG: YOU ****ING ASSHOLE. DID YOU JUST AGREE I WAS ONLY BORN TO TORMENT THE HUMAN HELL OUT OF EVERYONE?

CG: I KNOW YOU DID NOT REALLY JUST AGREE WITH THAT STATEMENT

CG: I SWEAR TO GOG, I WILL FIND YOU AND I WILL MURDER YOU WITH MY STUPIDASS COLORFUL SICKLES AND YOUR OWN RETARDED MIND HONEY IF YOU DO NOT TAKE BACK THAT AGREEMENT THIS INSTANT. THIS IS NOT WHY WE ARE FRIENDS, YOU ****TARD.

TA: ii wa2nt agreeiing that youre a ****up, ii was tryiing to 2ay ii feel that way two

TA: a lot, actually

CG: OH. WELL.

CG: THIS JUST BECAME REALLY AWKWARD.

TA: not my fault

CG: YES, THE **** IT IS

CG: MESSAGE ME LATER WHEN YOU AREN'T BEING WEIRD AND CRYPTIC AND DEPRESSING.

CG: OH, AND A MAJOR GRUB****ER. MESSAGE ME WHEN YOU AREN'T BEING ONE OF THOSE, TWO.

CG: TOO. SHIT. SCREW YOU, CAPTOR

TA: hehe

-carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling twinArmageddons [TA]-

* * *

Stupid ****ing Sollux. The smug bastard was smart enough to skip his junior and senior year, and suddenly he thought he was some kind of hot shit.

Karkat wasn't given any more time to dwell on how terrible of a person his friend was, because at that moment, an unwelcomed scent tickled his nose. The scent itself wasn't altogether unpleasant, nor unfamiliar, exactly; it was a clean, fresh sort of smell, somewhat like lavender or sandalwood. However, it wasn't a scent usually associated with any of the trolls in Karkat's friendly circle, nor was it the smell of a troll.

It smelled warm. Human.

He'd stiffened just as a pink finger tapped his moirail's shoulder, causing both Gamzee and Karkat to look back at the expressionless Lalonde standing behind them, her stance strong and her eyes steely.

"I do believe," the female monkey started, voice strong and cold, "That you never gave us back our heavenly desserts."

Gamzee's head fell to one side in a lazy roll, half-lidded eyes staring up at the girl. Karkat hadn't noticed before, but his pale mate was hugging a plastic carton to his chest possessively, and it dawned on the Cancer with a furious exasperation that his clown cultist friend had actually stolen the human's stupidass food circles.

"Gam, are you some kind of ****ing idiot?" Karkat growled, glowering at the Capricorn.

"No, man, just a believer in miracles. These little human pies are some kickass wonders, brother."

Rose held out a hand, face and stance never changing. "Please return our food before I'm forced to do something I would much rather avoid."

He couldn't help it; he snorted. "What are you going to do? Beat us up?"

"I don't need to." It was said with such utter certainty and calm, Karkat actually felt a small chill dance down his spine. "I have other means of getting the things I want. Things much more subtle, and much more effective as the case may be. So my question to you boys is as follows: are we going to do this the easy way, or the hard way?"

Gamzee must have seen that crazy glimmer in Lalonde's eyes, the kind of gleam that Gamzee had when he ran out of slime and went on a violent killing spree that left vibrant rainbows across the floors and walls of his hive. It was always terrifying going into the Capricorn's block around that time, and the very fact that a human as dark and business-like as Rose could have such a look scared the shit bricks out of Karkat.

Gamzee handed her the now half-empty carton without another word except for, "Aw, man. Mind hooking a brother up next time?"

"We'll see," Rose replied with a small smile, before disappearing from their sight.

Terezi must have been listening/smelling in, because she let out a low whistle, "Damn. That girl played you two expertly." She let out a shrieking laugh at that, head thrown back and red glasses catching the light, and though Gamzee tensed, anger pouring into his body, Karkat shush papped him back into the "chill" zone again.

"Shut up, Terezi. You wouldn't have done any better," he said accusingly.

"Oh? Is that a challenge I hear, little Karkles?"

"That's a fact, you stupid shitface."

While Karkat and Terezi continued fighting over things that no longer made any sense to anyone else at the table, Kanaya watched Rose approaching her human friends' table with a soft sigh, hand holding tightly to the paper the blonde girl had slipped her.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the comments, kudos, and reads! Hooray!  
> Warning: Overwhelming amounts of pesterlogs. Not for those who care about good characterization of Homestuck characters.

John Egbert wasn't sure why Karkat hadn't been raging at him like normal, but he was glad for it nonetheless.

* * *

-ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]-

EB: hey! where've you been?

EB: i've been waiting for you for forever!

EB: are you mad at me or something?

CG: NO, ****ASS

EB: whew! i was really worried there for a bit!

EB: where'd you go anyway? you just suddenly stopped messaging me. :B it was kinda lonely

CG: WELL EXCUSE ME IF I CAN'T DEDICATE EVERY WAKING NANOSECOND OF MY PRECIOUS TIME TO AN IDIOT WITH TERRIBLE GRAMMAR ON THE INTERNET WHOM OF WHICH I DON'T EVEN KNOW IN REAL LIFE AND CAN'T FOR THE ****ING LIFE OF ME PIN A ****ING UGLYASS FACE TO

EB: huh?

EB: are you trying to find out what i look like?

CG: NO

EB: good! because you will never ever ever find out!

CG: **** YOU

CG: I SWEAR TO GOG, WHEN I FIND YOU, I WILL BEAT YOUR UGLY FACE IN

EB: that would be more threatening if i honestly believed you'd find me

CG: SJVANJOAEVONADL

EB: hehe ;)

CG: JUST YOU WAIT FOR IT

CG: I'LL NOT ONLY FIND YOU, BUT I'LL MAKE GOOD ON MY WORDS

CG: YOU BETTER BE PREPARING YOURSELF TO DIE, SHITSTICK, BECAUSE I WILL TRACK YOU DOWN AND MURDER YOU WITH MY MENTALLY HANDICAPPED FRIEND'S MIND HONEY

EB: uh . . . what?

CG: YOU WON'T BE CONFUSED FOR LONG, DON'T WORRY

-carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling ectoBiologist [EB]-

EB: but what's mind honey? that doesn't even make any sense

EB: ugh. are you really going to just randomly leave me again?

EB: hello?

EB: come back! come on, cg!

* * *

John huffed, annoyed that his online palhoncho had decided to ignore him again. He hated being ignored. CG could be a real jerk when he wanted to be!

He shoved his phone into his pocket, the ugly red brick building of his high school at his back now. He'd never been so happy for a school day to end. Unfortunately, the end of the school day also meant John was all alone. Jade was probably already biking home and Rose and Dave rode home together on the bus. John was the only one forced to walk to his house, not that it was really that far away. Only a few blocks.

Still, it sucked he couldn't spend the last few minutes with his buds!

"John," an unfamiliar voice called behind him, causing him to start, halting in his tracks.

Turning, to his surprise, he found it was no other but one of the trolls who Karkat hung out with, though he'd never talked to her himself. However, sometimes he'd see her hanging around the library during study hall, but that was pretty much all he knew about her.

"Uh, hi?" he greeted uncertainly, blinking at the troll warily behind his thick glasses.

She smiled at him, her face a beautiful mask of natural good looks and well-placed makeup, her clothes unique and dark, hair short and styled perfectly. When she opened her mouth again and spoke, he couldn't help but be struck with how . . . fancy she sounded. Like one of those women in the etiquette classes. In fact, something in her speech kind of reminded him of Rose. "Hello, John. I know we've never had the chance to talk, but I took the liberty to assume now was as good a time as any. Care to walk with me?"

He looked at her in surprise once more. "You walk home?"

"No," she replied, smiling slightly, "But it's very important I have a talk with you, and the sooner the better, as they say."

Weird. What could she possibly have to say to him that was so important? He still didn't quite feel comfortable around her, as her friends liked to make his life absolutely miserable, but at the same time, he'd never had trouble from this particular troll, no matter how many times they bumped into one another at school.

But that didn't necessarily mean anything.

"Well . . . what do you want?" John asked, trying and failing to hide his nervousness, shifting his backpack farther up his shoulders and glancing down to stare between his sneakers.

"Oh my, it seems I've made you anxious. If you will follow me, I will gladly treat you to one of your human sweets to make up for this," the female troll offered, causing John's eyes to snap back to her face, "Unless, of course, my presence is too bothersome for you at the current moment."

Guilt tugged at his chest. "No, I just . . . sorry." He offered a sheepish grin, "Come on, I guess we can always walk and talk."

"Oh, good. I was afraid we'd continue awkwardly standing and staring at each other until we were forced to depart." She looked honestly relieved to begin walking, and paused thoughtfully after she said that, adding on, "That was not your human sarcasm by the way. I sincerely meant I was anxious to continue on like that. Excuse me if I came off rude or fake in my response."

"Ha! It's no problem, not at all!" Already John could feel himself starting to relax, hands slipping into his kahaki pockets. "I'm really sorry to say this, but I don't think I ever got your name."

The troll smiled at him, "You may call me Kanaya Maryam."

"Kanaya, huh? That's a pretty cool name. I don't think I've ever heard it before."

"Thank you, I came up with it myself. I didn't want to make up a name every other troll girl would end up naming themselves."

"Oh? Do all trolls choose their own name?" John asked curiously, eyes wide and focused on his companion.

The two had somehow slipped into an almost comfortable bubble all their own, attention totally fixed on one another. John still didn't know why or what Kanaya wanted to talk to him about, but he was beginning to worry about it less and less as the seconds passed; it helped that Kanaya seemed to intend no harm. She really just wanted to talk to him.

She nodded, dark hair bobbing, "In fact they do. Trolls don't officially have names until their sixth sweep." John must have looked pretty confused, because she hastily added, "That's twelve to thirteen human years."

"Oh! That's kind of cool. How did you pick yours?"

"My lusus suggested it to me. She always was particularly good with naming things. It was a rare and wondrous gift in a lusus."

"That's pretty cool. What else do you let her name?" he questioned, pushing his glasses further up his nose.

"Nothing anymore. She passed not long ago." Kanaya answered matter-of-factly, her facial expression not so much as twitching as they walked.

John's, however, immediately fell. He halted in his tracks, forcing Kanaya to stop and look back at her, dark brow furrowed in confusion that only increased when she noticed her human companion's crestfallen face. "Oh my gosh, I'm _so_ sorry! I had no idea, honest!"

"It's alright. I was able to move on. She wouldn't want me to be traumatized by her memory, I don't think." The female troll offered, cocking her head to one side, "But thank you for feeling bad. I'm not used to people being so sensitive with me about it."

"Of course I'm going to feel bad! I brought up something sad and probably really painful! Gosh, I feel like such a terrible person now! Maybe I should be buying _you_ ice cream."

She waved the suggestion away, smiling, "No, no. You don't have to do that. It's not like you knew you were stumbling on to a sore subject. It's my fault for mentioning her at all. I apologize for making you feel like a 'terrible person,' as you said. I wasn't trying to inspire guilt or sympathy. Now come, let us continue our trek."

He hesitated, even as she gestured for him to join her side once more, but eventually he shrugged and grinned sheepishly, flouncing up beside her and continuing walking next to the troll as a leisurely pace.

". . . There is something I would like to ask you about, John. It's one of the main reasons I wanted to talk to you today." She grimaced, the expression making her beautiful face appear almost tragic. It was all John could do not to stop her with a hand on the shoulder and ask her to smile again.

"What is it?" he asked, honestly curious, though her expression had him a bit worried.

A thought suddenly struck him, so unexpected and alarming his mouth opened and eyes widened. What if she was about to ask him out? Like, on an actual _date_? He couldn't just date some girl he didn't know! He'd be forced to reject the poor girl, even though she was gorgeous and nice and really intelligent-sounding. He didn't want to break some poor, innocent girl's heart! Not now, not ever!

"How do you feel about troll-human relations?" Kanaya asked slowly, as if she were testing the words out, trying them for the first time.

That question practically confirmed his fears. How was he supposed to let her down easy, without sounding like a complete jerk? His dad had always taught him to be a complete gentleman with the female variety, troll or otherwise. It didn't matter that he wasn't a big fan of the alien race; Kanaya actually seemed like a genuinely good person, despite John not actually knowing her. She deserved the most utter respect—but maybe he could leave her the smallest kernel of hope? Who knew? He might really like her if he got to know her!

"Well," John started after a small beat of silence in which he allowed himself to gather his thoughts, "I'm not _against_ it, really. Personally, I think I have as much a chance at befriending a troll as I do a human, especially if they're nice. And if I get to know a troll or human I really really like, I might even be willing to be more than friends with them."

Kanaya nodded, a small smile gracing her dark lips, "Good to know. Thank you. I hope that wasn't too awkward a question. I did not mean to be nosy."

"Uh, no! 'Course not!" Whew, sometimes John's smoothness impressed even himself!

"It appears we've reached the human desserts shop," Kanaya announced, looking up at a sign above them.

"Alright! Let's eat up!" John cheered, following the troll girl inside with a bounce in his step and a plan for paying for their ice cream himself.

* * *

-ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]-

EB: dave

EB: dave you will never guess what just happened to me

EB: dave dave dave answer me already!

TG: dude you do realize i do actually have a life right

TG: like shit man no need to get your panties in a twist

TG: i know bitches be all up on me but come on sometimes you just need to get some patience and independence and shit

EB: dave this is super important!

EB: you have to listen to me, you will never believe it, I swear!

TG: spit it out already egbert

EB: one of the trolls might be crushing on me!

EB: . . . dave? you still there?

TG: yea man

TG: im just kinda weirded out, i guess

TG: how do you even know this like did one of those ****ers try to make a move on you or something when i wasnt looking because i could have sworn i stuck to you like some mother****ing permanent hot glue or something equally sticky

TG: and hot

EB: sort of

EB: she tracked me down after school had ended and walked home with me.

TG: what

TG: dude, she walked home with you?

EB: yeah. she told me she wanted to talk to me about something, but it took a really long time for her to actually tell me what she wanted!

TG: well what did she want

EB: she wanted to know how i felt about trolls and humans having relationships

TG: holy shit

EB: i know right? i had to let her down easy

EB: oh my gosh

EB: dave, i just realized something

TG: what

EB: after we had that talk we went out and ate ice cream together in a shop

TG: thats not how you let a woman down easy egbert

EB: i know! shit, i feel like such a jerk now!

EB: i mean, i wouldn't be totally against dating her because she's really nice and pretty, but now i probably just led her on!

EB: oh man, this is going a little too fast for me to handle

TG: calm down EB

TG: just take a big gulp of delicious O2 and relax your tensed dorky muscles

TG: there is no need to panic. if you are going to be a ladies man, you gotta be calm be cool and be relaxed. its all about letting them bitches know they cant get to you

TG: bitches love knowing they cant get to you

EB: really?

TG: yep

EB: okay, i can do that . . . i think

EB: did your bro teach you that?

TG: **** no.

TG: egbert i don't think you realize youre talking to a bachelor here

TG: them bitches be lining up at the door to get them a piece of young, hot strider ass

TG: take a number bitch there's a line for this store. Better sit your fine ass down in the lobby and wait to be called because mr strider is one busy man

EB: yeah, right!

EB: when was the last time you had a date?

TG: like i said

TG: im a bachelor

TG: i stay single. dont want to be tied down like that you know what im saying

EB: suuuuuuuure

TG: no one likes a hater

EB: i'm not hating!

TG: whatever

TG: speaking of bitches, jade is pestering me

TG: gotta go

EB: that wasn't very nice, but whatever

EB: bye dave!

TG: bye

-turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB]-


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some of you people are just too nice to me. Go on, continue your rampages of niceness. I don't mind.  
> Warning: teenage girls acting like secretive masterminds (so they're acting pretty normal).

The next morning before school started, Kanaya Maryam found herself in the library.

Of course, this really surprised no one, as Kanaya spent every morning between its warm, wooden shelves, though not for the reason most people—including her friends—readily assumed. While an eager bookworm, the beautiful troll girl had no interest in the books of the library—or at the very least, not when a certain aid worked quietly within the room.

It was always a bit of a task to find that particular aid, however, Kanaya did so dutifully every morning and every Tuesday and Wednesday at lunch, undeterred by the challenge of locating said worker.

She drifted gracefully into the room, long skirt softly brushing against the carpeted floor as she walked, gliding between towering bookshelves and stacked novels taller than her in height. Despite the intimidating size of everything, the library was always warm and well-lit, leaving no room for creeping shadows and dim spots that might make reading an obstacle.

Few students lingered here, despite its cheery outlook, but Kanaya didn't mind. After all, the aid was always much more . . . attentive with fewer people about.

Luckily, Maryam found the object of her search quicker than she had expected. Turning a corner, her dark eyes spotted Rose Lalonde next to a bulky cart overflowing with all sort of books-paperback, hardback, comic, romance, adventure, etc. etc. The blonde practically floated from shelf to shelf as she placed and rearranged the literature found, face impassive as always, though her violet eyes could never seem to lose their spark of mischief and humor.

Kanaya smiled as she beheld the girl, admiring the way her pale hair shone, her dark lashes, black-painted lips and dark clothes. Though she appeared dark and creepy to anyone else, Kanaya thought she looked interesting and—if she did say so herself—quite attractive.

If only she could find a way to be totally alone with the girl. She'd bet Rose would be even more . . . "attentive".

"You know, some people find it unbecoming when one stands and stares at another without saying a word," Rose suddenly said, breaking the troll teenager from her thoughts.

"Oh? Are you 'some people' now?" she asked, raising a dark brow.

"Is that sarcasm I hear, my dear Kanaya?" the blonde asked, turning to smile her heart-stoppingly devilish smile at her companion.

And indeed, Maryam's heart skipped a beat. "I do believe so, Rose. I hope I didn't offend you."

"On the contrary, hearing you using sarcasm makes me feel like I've accomplished a great feat," she replied, turning away from Kanaya again in order to go back to restocking and rearranging the bookshelves.

Kanaya didn't mask her disappointed expression, knowing Rose couldn't see it an how. Dammit. She'd finally had the other's full attention, if only for a few seconds. She supposed it was better than nothing, but even so, she had no plans on leaving the library without having it once more. Or even, perhaps, a few times more.

* * *

John Egbert wondered if he should worry or be relieved.

Karkat still wasn't paying him any attention, even when they'd accidentally bumped into each other in the hallway when _no one_ else was around. It was the perfect chance for Karkat to beat and insult the other without anyone else interfering or getting the troll in trouble, but all Vantas did was mumble an apology without looking at him and quickly left.

He tried to ask carcinoGeneticist about it, but all he got were a few **** YOU, I'M BUSY sort of messages.

Asking Dave or one of his other friends crossed his mind, but only briefly. He didn't need or want them knowing the extent of Karkat's bullying.

"Earth to John!" Jade shouted into his ear, interrupting his thoughts, "Have you landed on the moon?"

John forced a laugh and scratched the back of his head awkwardly as they walked down the corridor together, aiming for their lockers, which just so happened to be only two lockers away from one another. "Sorry about that! I totally zoned out. What were you saying again?"

She rolled her eyes and punched his arm playfully, "I was _asking_ if you're going to that thing after school today."

"What thing?"

"The, uh, the dance party thingy!" She answered, furrowing her brow, "Or was it a rave party? I can't seem to remember . . . but it involved music and dancing. I think. Maybe I should go check in with Dave; he'll probably know. The school usually asks him to DJ at those kind of events."

"Oh yeah! I forgot he does that sometimes." John said, grinning, "He's so cool."

"The coolest! But anyway, are you going to go? I think Rose and I are both planning to."

"Gosh, I don't know! I'd have to run home and ask my dad about it, and probably beg him for some money so I can pay the admission fee . . ."

"What happened to your money?" Jade asked, frowning.

"I spent it all on a bunch of ice cream yesterday."

"Ice cream?"

"Forget it. It's kind of a long, confusing story."

"Well, okay. But you know I could always pay your admission! I brought a few extra dollars in case this happened. Heck, you could probably mooch off of Dave, too, since I think he gets in for free due to his DJing gig." She suggested, tapping her chin thoughtfully.

"Thanks, but I'd rather just pay myself. It won't take me but a few minutes to run home and come back." John assured as they went to their separate lockers, putting their combinations in.

"So you'll come?"

"Probably. I mean, if everyone else is going, why not?"

"Yay!"

The bell rang, cutting into their conversation and forcing the both of them to hurry and grab their things. "Shoot! I still have to walk over to the art building!" Jane exclaimed, shoving her Geometry textbook into her locker and grabbing her sketchbook. "I'll see you at lunch!"

"Okay, have fun!" John called back, waving at her as she hurried away.

* * *

-gardenGnostic [GC] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]-

GC: got him!

GC: john is now going to the dance ;)

TT: Excellent. Thank you for informing me.

GC: youre welcome :)

GC: oh! i forgot to ask

GC: is your friend coming? the one you told me about um . . . yesterday i think?

TT: I believe she is currently trying to persuade her friends into going with her, as she doesn't want to come alone. I can understand that.

GC: me too

GC: it sucks going to dances alone :(

TT: Have you gone to one by yourself before?

GC: no but i can imagine its horrible

TT: Quite possibly. Anyway, I must say goodbye here. Class is starting and Mrs. Crocker does not take kindly to distracted students.

GC: alright

GC: bye! :)

TT: Farewell.

-tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering gardenGnostic [GC]-

* * *

Sollux Captor was surprised at how much people wanted to see the newly captured lusus.

For some reason, a seahorse lusus was all the rage these days, and trolls and humans alike clamored to get a peek at it, exciting English and piling in enough cash to have the aquarium adding an expansion. The new building was being built pretty quickly, too, as the owner decided to build it himself, impressing Sollux with his knowledge of such things. He'd thought the man a dorky dope for so long, sometimes he forgot the man was actually a genius.

Luckily, because everyone knew Sollux didn't like dealing with people much, they planned to move him to a later shift, monitoring only the end of the day and after hours of the aquarium, though he was required to come in on what used to be his days off as well.

He minded, but only very little, so he kept his mouth shut and continued working his normal shifts until they planned to change up everyone's schedules.

Today the aquarium was having a particularly slow day, as English closed down the seahorse exhibit in order to let the poor thing rest in peace, though it was met with many a complaint from the elders and adults alike. Most people left as soon as they saw that the seahorse exhibit was closed for the day, which made Sollux happy. It meant he had much less monitoring to do.

Once his lunch break rolled around, he decided to step out of the security room for a bit, closing and locking the door behind him, making sure he had his lunchbox before he drifted down the halls of the aquarium.

Though the new tank was closed to the public, the staff were still allowed to come and go as they pleased, so with only the briefest of glances to make sure no one was watching him, he slipped past the door and made his way to the new lusus' tank, trying to remember what the creature looked like.

Because he pretty much only monitored security and tank levels, he hadn't gotten the chance to see the creature since the owner brought it in, and Sollux knew he'd probably been viewing it at its weakest, ugliest stage, as it had been out of water for so long. He couldn't help but be curious as to how it would look and act now, back in a watery environment and well-fed.

He paused once he came to its tank, taking the moment to make himself comfortable on the floor with his lunchbox in his lap, mismatching eyes scanning the waters for the new lusus.

He spotted it farther in the tank, almost on the opposite wall, sleeping straight up, its huge tail curled around a clump of artificial seaweed rooted into the sandy floor. Like he'd suspected, it was somehow even more beautiful now enclosed in water and fed on a regular basis, its body glowing a soft, sweet like as most did, muscles rippling as it twitched and breathed. The very sight of it made something in his chest both warm and painful, as if its majesty was too much for him to look at.

Screw that. Where did that thought even come from? Of course it wasn't too majestic for him to look at. Stupid.

Sollux shook his head and flipped his lunchbox open, fully prepared to begin digging in to the ham and cheese sandwich he'd slapped together this morning, when he thought he heard something strangely similar to glass breaking.

He paused; eyes darting about suspiciously, and then he hear it: the alarm. A window must have been broken somewhere. Probably some punk teenager skipping class or something.

However, then he began to hear shouting, and from the sounds of it, they were yells from his fellow coworkers. Shit.

Did they expect him to go help them? He was pretty ****ing sure it was just a teenager, or perhaps a small group of them, being major assholes. After all, what kind of adult would break a window and set the alarms off? Only a crazy one. Of course, there _were_ some psychos out there—no. Sollux, shut up and eat your damn sandwich. Surely, your coworkers can handle whatever it is. It's not like you'd be able to help much anyways.

As if the universe decided to prove him wrong, suddenly all the shouts went silent.

The alarms still blared loudly, shrieking in his ears, but no other noises were made, not even from scared pedestrians. There were literally no other sounds, that, or they were swallowed up by the loud ass alert system.

Shit. They were probably all dead now because he hadn't gone to help them. Oh shit, oh shit, oh—

His sharp senses picked out the sound of a door slamming open.

Oh. Holy. _shit_.

* * *

Karkat Vantas could not get his stupid ****ing phone to shut up. He really didn't feel like talking to any of his idiot friends, nor did he feel like putting up with the stomach-twisting guilt of talking to the ever-friendly ectoBiologist, so after fourth period he promptly turned his electronical device off.

Finally. Silence had never been so sweet.

Now he'd just have to deal with being face-to-face with his moronic friends through lunch, and he'd be in the clear. Maybe. If he wasn't put in detention for flipping his shit again because they wouldn't leave him the **** alone like _good_ friends.

. . . Yeah, he wasn't going to be in the clear any time soon. **** him.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: boring opening. I apologize for failing you all with this crappy beginning.  
> Thanks to the lovely souls who left kudos and comments and bookmarked (oh my)!

"Where's Rose?" John asked as he sat down at the lunch table, glancing around for their gothic blond friend.

"She's on nerd duty, remember?" Dave said, arching a fair brow as he sucked on a Blow Pop, shades only adding to his "cool kid" image. Why couldn't John look that cool eating candy?

Jade rolled her eyes, "Just because she works in the library doesn't mean she's a nerd."

"Oh, come on. We all know that Rose is probably one of the nerdiest chicks in school. Have you never taken a gander at the bookshelf in her room? She even has a nerd club thingy pinned next to all of her nerd books. Practically drowning in nerdiness, I tell you."

"It's called a _Beta club_ , thank you very much, and I'm in that club too!" Jade frowned.

"I never said you weren't a nerd too."

"Dave!"

"What? John, wouldn't you say that Jade is a nerd? Come on, we all know that the she is. I'm surprised you didn't take nerd work during lunch with our other nerd-friend."

John laughed, trading his lunch with Dave, "There is some truth to that."

"John! Not you too!"

"Hey, I'm just telling it like it is!"

"Ugh, you two are impossible sometimes, you know that? Always ganging up on the poor, innocent buck-tooth girl," Jade sniffed, but the boys knew she wasn't seriously hurt, especially when she was grinning so widely, eyes flashing with humor and mirth.

"Yup," Dave slurped on his sucker, "We enjoy torturing pretty girls. It's a bit of a hobby."

"Oh? So I'm a pretty nerd girl now? Why thank you, Strider! I must say, you aren't too bad yourself," she replied with a suggestive wink.

"Okay, this is getting really awkward now . . ." John said, glancing between the two with an embarrassed look. Though he wanted all of his friends to be happy, he really preferred them not to flirt to blatantly with one another while he was still around. Especially when one of them was technically his genetic sister.

"Calm your tits, Egderp. We can't help it if we're two hot, horny teenagers."

"Ew, Dave!" John cried, wrinkling his nose as his face began to rapidly burn.

"Don't be jealous. It's cool, Egbert. We still like you, even if you aren't nearly as hot. Or, well, we'll pretend to like your dorky ass." John and Jade both punched him in the shoulder on different sides, rolling their eyes. "Woah, okay, I can totally see how you two are related now. Don't gang up on the hot young Strider. Last thing I need is for Bro to win just because my friends decided to take me out themselves."

"Whatever, we all know your bro kicks your butt all the time!" Jade exclaimed with another sassy eye roll.

"Yeah!" John agreed.

While Jade and Dave continued bickering and chuckling, John's attention was immediately snapped away from them when he spotted Karkat Vantas walking past them, glaring at the floor with one hand on his backpack strap. John instinctively hunkered down in order to make himself smaller and less noticeable, but it wasn't necessary. Karkat barely glanced at him as he continued on pass, obviously deep in troubling thought. He couldn't help but wonder what could preoccupy the angry troll so much—he hadn't so much as looked twice at the young Egbert since last Friday at lunch!

Oh well. The less attention he paid to John, the better. Even if it was starting to scare him a little.

"Hey, so is Rose going to that dance-thing after school today?" John randomly asked, turning back to his friends.

"Yup!" Jade answered happily, "And she's trying to convince her new girlfriend to come along too! We could probably meet this mystery woman at the dance if we really wanted to."

"Really?" Dave and John asked together.

"Yeah! Oh man, I'm so excited! She must be pretty amazing if she's wormed her way into Rose's heart like this!"

"Good point. I wonder what she'll be like?" John wondered aloud, stroking his invisible beard thoughtfully, "Probably really, really smart, knowing Rose."

"Most definitely!"

"Could you really see Rose dating someone who wasn't a nerd?" Dave questioned.

"Another good point," he admitted, "But still! Great, Jade, now you have me all excited too. I hope my dad will give me money so I can go . . ."

"Your dad's pretty cool, I couldn't see why he wouldn't." Strider commented, licking the icing off of one of John's father's Betty Crocker cupcakes. Just watching his best friend eating the sugary confection made John feel nauseous, so he did his best to keep his eyes on Jade, who was apparently turning down all junk food in an effort to eat healthier.

Sometimes Jade could be such a weirdo. She should at least treat herself gushers, if nothing else.

John shrugged and sipped his juice. He was just preparing for the worst, is all! One could never be too sure of anything.

* * *

Sollux Captor lunged from his spot on the floor just in time to avoid a white, glowing tentacle of light that left a loud sizzling sound echoing through the hall. When he glanced back at his old spot, he noticed the tile was charred, his lunchbox now a blackened crisp on the ground.

Shit. They couldn't even spare his lunch?

He saw that mass of light heading towards him again out of the corner of his eye and ducked, narrowly missing it once more. What in the hell _was_ that?

Glancing up, to his surprise, he saw two trolls standing in the doorway, one a hipster-douche holding what looked suspiciously like a wand, a harpoon gun strapped to his back and unholy fury written all over his body, and the other being a beautiful girl standing slightly behind him, holding a golden trident and looking only slightly less angry, though something about her expression seemed to be uncertain, as if she wasn't quite positive whatever they were doing was the best way to accomplish what they wanted.

Both trolls were obviously seadwellers, from the fins sprouting from their cheeks, but that was the only other thing Sollux had time to observe as the boy threw another beam of light at him from the wand-like device.

He dodged out of the way, but this time he wasn't quite quick enough. It slammed him back into the seahorse's tank, cracks spider webbing along the thick glass, though Sollux barely noticed as his head collided hard with the glass surface, stars flashing behind his eyes and the tale-tell warmth of blood spilling down the back of his head.

Holy shit, these guys weren't messing around, were they? They really wanted to kill him for whatever reason.

"What the ****?" he cried, falling to his knees and cradling his injured skull.

"That's for seahorsedad!" the boy shouted, his voice lilted heavily with an accent Captor couldn't quite place, though it had a strangely wavy quality to it, almost as if the boy troll was speaking under water.

He struggled to look up at the seadweller now striding his way, wand held high above his head. Sollux chanced a brief glance over his shoulder at the still-sleeping lusus in the tank, before locking eyes with the hipster-douche again. "You mean this thing?" Damn his stupid ****ing lisp!

"I'll have you know that 'thing' is my lusus!" the troll snapped, his strange accent making it sound like he stuttered over his 'v's and 'w's.

_You have got to be kidding me,_ Sollux thought, though he didn't have time to react any other way before the hipster fish-troll aimed the wand directly at his chest. Panicking, Captor didn't realize he'd used his pisonics to freeze the other's body until the boy made a low growl of protest and shock.

Blue and red electricity crackled around the other's body, sending out dangerous sparks, buzzing through the air around them and raising goose bumps on Sollux's arms, despite the fact that _he_ was the one doing this.

"Eridan!" the girl-troll cried, pink-tinted eyes wide, "What did you glubbing do to him?!"

"I stopped him from attacking me!" He exclaimed defensively, moving out of the way of the still-pointed wand, only to see the girl now running at him with the trident.

_**** my life._

Unable to concentrate on taking two attackers at once, he accidently released "Eridan," who was quick to whirl around and shoot that stupid light at him from the back, while the troll girl had gotten close enough to him to take a swipe with her trident from the front.

There was nothing he could do besides use his pisionics to freeze the girl, but that light hit him square in the center of his back, burning a hole straight through his favorite shirt and sending his front scraping across the sharp tongs of the girl's trident. His flesh cooked, and he hissed loud and high as his body crashed into the sea-girl's, sending them both flying across the hallway.

"Fef!" The hipster yelled out, despite the fact that he was the reason she slammed into the opposite wall. "Why, you . . . !"

Sollux was already up and on his feet, throwing himself at one of the closed "staff only" doors and clambering up the stairs as fast as he could, leaving the two seadwellers behind him in the corridor. Hopefully, he'd be able to get out of sight and hide while "Eridan" helped his girlfriend up, and they'd forget all about him.

Unfortunately, that wish was immediately discarded when he heard footsteps climbing the steps behind him, along with the angry shout, "You'll pay for this, lowblood!"

Holy ****ing shit! The douchebag was _following_ him! He had to go faster! Hurry, stupid legs!

He reached the top of the stairs and pushed another door open; running like mad into the room beyond, only to remember at last minute this was a dead end. It was the little room that led to the catwalk above the seahorse's tank, used mostly to dump food and the like into the giant container of water.

"Shit!" Sollux lisped. But he had no choice but to venture further out onto the catwalk, hovering at the edge.

Part of him screamed at him to jump, but that idiotic side of his brain seemed to forget he couldn't swim if his life depended on it—which, if he thought too much, it kind of did. He could always use his pisionics to fly over it, but he couldn't shake the part of him that was terrified to use it in the case that someone saw him and exposed his freak powers, even if the seadweller had already seen what he could do and was currently trying to murder him.

Eridan burst out of the doorway to the stairs, hatred burning in his eyes as he took in the way Sollux was cornered. He smirked, thinking he'd won already as he stalked forward, a predatory light in his eyes. "What's wrong? Can't even swim?"

"Shut the hell up," Captor snarled, feeling much too much like a cornered animal for his liking.

The troll called "Fef," quickly appeared behind him, taking in the new situation with an unreadable expression, watching as Eridan continued slinking closer, wand pointed straight at the trapped troll.

"Eridan," she murmured, "Why don't we just take seahorsedad and leave? We don't have to—"

"No way, Fef. This ****ing peasantblood needs to learn his place," Eridan growled, eyes shining with his anger. "Fef" looked a little put off by his response, shifting uncertainly, though she made no move to stop him as he continued advancing on Sollux, who was gripping the rails on either side of him so hard his knuckles were turning white.

Shit. Shit. _Shit!_ He needed to think. What was he supposed to do? There had to be a way out of this situation somehow, if he could just _think_ —

With an animalistic roar, Eridan lunged at Sollux, sending the two of them off of the catwalk. For a second, gravity seemed to forget about them, frozen in the air above the clear waters below, Captor's eyes wide with shock and Eridan's gleaming with smug triumph.

Sollux's foot had just plunged into the cold waters when he flipped his shit, feeling a burst of power flood through his veins, goose bumps prickling along his skin as he held himself aloft with his powers, electricity buzzing in his ears and red and blue sparks snapping in the air around him as he hovered over the waters. Eridan's eyes widened as he fell by himself into the tank, but not before he let out a loud curse, sending a cool spray of water across the other's body.

The landweller flinched at the freezing droplets, carefully sending himself higher over the tank so the hipster-douche couldn't reach up and grab him. The girl-troll looked on with a gaping mouth, eyes wide as dinner saucers and trident on the floor. She must have dropped it in her surprise.

However, Sollux's relief was short-lived, as the next second he was tumbling backwards through the air as the tank below him exploded, sending a flood of water and broken glass into the corridor below, Eridan emerging from the mess soaking wet and cradling the seahorse lusus in his thin arms. "Fef, come on! Let's get out of this filthy place!"

"Fef" stared at the floating Sollux only a few seconds more before she swallowed and called back, "Okay! But let's hurry!"

She snatched up her trident and fled down the stairs, hurrying after Eridan, who was just kind of enough to wait for her. Sollux watched them from above, wondering if he should perhaps go after them. He followed behind quickly, unsure of what he was planning to do, but all thoughts were thrown from his head when he followed them out into the lobby of the aquarium and found every single coworker and pedestrian that had the misfortune of being there dead on the floor.

"Holy ****," he hissed, surveying the catastrophe with wide, disbelieving eyes.

Trolls and humans alike were strewn across the floor, the corpses bloody with all colors of blood except pink and violet. A rainbow of fluids stained the tiled floors and white walls of the room, the cadavers all in differing states of the fright and confusion they had probably felt before their deaths.

He didn't get time to look at them anymore; suddenly, he was engulfed in a burning white light, a pain so intense he cried out, his body falling through the air at a gut-churning speed before he hit hard ground. His whole body was on fire, his arm bent at a funny angle and his head pounding so intensely he couldn't _think_ , vision blurring and limbs no longer functioning quite right. It was hard to lift his head, but he did, spitting a few teeth out just as a shadow fell across his fallen form.

"Eridan, what are you doing? We need to leave!" the girl troll's voice exclaimed.

"Just give me one second. I'm not done with this troll yet," Eridan's wavy voice responded.

Sollux squinted, the image in front of him too blurry to really see, but the next minute his vision went white and he was screaming as agony ripped through his head, his eyes burning more intensely than the rest of his body, brain shrieking in alarm and confusion and oh Gog why was this even happening to him—

Then there was nothing.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Kankri is officially triggered.

Karkat Vantas swore if this was his friend's version of a joke, he was going to personally hunt the psionic down, stab out the yellowblood's eyes, and knock all of those huge gogdamn teeth right out of his smug little mouth.

No one would tell him exactly what was going on, much to the Cancer's irritation—all anyone would say was that the aquarium on Parker Street (A.K.A., the place Captor worked) was attacked by terrorists, and quite a few people were dead. They didn't give out any names, in fact, no one gave out any other information what so ever, which was infuriating.

It wasn't like Karkat was _worried_ about his friend or anything, but ****! It was like the damn psionic was a magnet for doom and misfortune, and different gory scenarios kept flashing through the troubled troll's mind of his friend severely injured and possibly dead, haunting his mind with imaginary screams.

Not that he feared for the Gemini's safety or anything. That would have been ridiculous. Everyone knew Karkat Vantas was cold and distant and totally apathetic to everything around him.

Obviously.

Who did these shitstains think he was, human Jegus? Yeah, right.

Karkat was only upset because whatever happened at the stupid aquarium caused the school to shut down, parents and a few lusi swarming up to the high school in order to grab their children and charges and whisk them away to a safer place.

This could only mean one thing for Karkat. One terribly, horrific, unbearable thing.

"Karkat!" an unpleasantly familiar voice called. "Kar! Over here! Hey!"

 _Oh my Gog, no, anything but this!_ The young troll mentally screamed, wide eyes scanning for any possible means of escape. Maybe he could run on home on foot? It would be tough fighting through the crowds of people and box-ish motor vehicles, but most likely doable, if one had enough willpower. The trick would be remembering the way back to the hive.

"KARKAT!" Oh shit, shit, shit. Chancing a glance over his shoulder, he saw a familiar frowning troll in a bright red sweater getting out of a droll motor vehicle, staring straight at the younger Vantas with narrowed eyes.

Internally shrieking like a little girl, Karkat dove further into the crowds, moving fast and desperately, shoving anyone who got into his way, rudely clawing his way back into the school building and running as fast as his legs could carry him, shoulders knocking into many an angered person as he zoomed down the corridors.

"KARKAT VANTAS! YOU GET BACK HERE RIGHT NOW, YOUNG MAN! I DON'T WANT YOU TRIGGERING SOMETHING WE'LL BOTH REGRET! THIS IS ENTIRELY UNSEEMLY AND ILLOGICAL, SO IF YOU'D PLEASE, STOP THIS TOMFOOLERY FOR MY ATTENTION—!"

"**** YOUR TRIGGERS!" Karkat yelled back, turning a corner so fast he slammed into the wall.

He didn't bother looking back, but kept going further into the school, the halls growing emptier and emptier the deeper he went. The lights were beginning to be turned off the father he ran, but he paid it no mind, intending to escape out of one of the school's other entrances, hoping to walk all the way back to the hive if it meant avoiding a car ride together with the _other_ Vantas.

However, he forced himself to skid to a stop when he heard what sounded suspiciously like voices. Deep, male voices much different from the one pursuing him.

 _Shit!_ He lunged to the nearest door, which just so happened to be a bathroom, shutting it quickly and as quietly as he could behind himself. He held his breath and listened closely as the voices grew steadily louder and louder, blood pusher pumping hard and fast in his ears, but luckily, the owners of said voices didn't even pause as they continued on past.

Karkat sighed in relief, sagging against the door, and was about to count to ten in his head and leave the room, but apparently he wasn't alone and his sigh had attracted some attention.

One of the stall doors slammed open, the boy now revealed gasping in shock—and possibly a little bit of fear, as well.

John ****ing Egderp stood stock-still in the middle of a bathroom stall, blue eyes comically wide behind his thick, dorky glasses, mouth slightly agape, showing off the ugly buckteeth in his pink mouth. Gog, Karkat _hated_ this kid's teeth—and, well, practically everything else too, now that he thought about it.

"Egbert," Karkat hissed, eyes narrowing upon seeing his arch nemesis in the bathroom with him.

"K-Karkat!" John sputtered, stumbling back a step as he gulped, the stench of fear radiating from his trembling, sweating form.

It had been a while since the Cancer had whipped this dork's ass, and seeing the other cower before him without even doing anything was both gratifying and infuriating. Vantas couldn't stand cowards who wouldn't stand up for themselves, despised the imperfections of geeks like John, hated how optimistic they always were when not in front of someone bigger and more intimidating than themselves, loathed how people like him always seemed to brush off their problems with a stupid laugh.

The troll took a step forward, earning a frightened, pathetic squeak from the human in front of him. How. Damn. Platonically. Pitiful.

But— _but_ he couldn't go any farther. Though there was no way the ectoBiologist could _possibly_ be this dumbass, it was possible he was friends with whoever the ectoBiologist was, and even if he wasn't, Karkat figured sparing the idiot would be the first step to making everyone else's life more miserable. Those sorts of things had to be practiced in the case of a Vantas, after all.

With a sneer, the troll shoved his hands in his pockets and turned towards the door, spitting out an unsatisfying, angry, "See you later, bone-hole."

Now to find an exit before he exploded. Gog, why was he surrounded by annoying freaks everywhere he looked?

* * *

Equis Zahhak didn't stick around after school was dismissed.

Nepeta followed him straight to his "car," hopped in, and would have pealed out fast enough to leave tire marks on the road, had it not been for the rather large influx of cars blocking the parking lot's exit in front of him. Estimating from the sheer number alone, he could only assume this was going to take a bit.

Thankfully, his moirail knew him well, and so had forced him into the passenger seat while she drove, probably already knowing he'd have broken the steering wheel by now. He broke practically everything he touched, especially when he was as restless and overcome with anxiety as he was now. Goodness, he was sweating so much the seat beneath him turned sickly wet, his clothes sticking to his body like a second layer of skin.

Nepeta handed him one of the towels he kept in his doors, which he took with trembling hands, thanking her as he dabbed at himself.

"Aw, it'll be okay, Equis!" Nepeta exclaimed, inching the car along with the other vehicles. "I'm sure she's just fine!"

"I hope so," he murmured.

"Of course she is! We just have to think pawsitively!"

The slow inching out of the school felt like torture to the profusely sweating troll, the only entertainment coming from Nepeta's mindless chatter about a new friend she met on her roleplaying sight and the curious sight of a adult troll in a bright red sweater chasing an angry, panicked Karkat Vantas into the school building. He idly wondered if this was one of his ancestors. Perhaps even the one to help conceive the lowblood?

"You really should fix your radio," His best friend remarked, pulling him out of his thoughts for the moment.

"I haven't had much time to, I'm afraid. My job as an intern takes up most of my time outside of class." He responded, pushing his cracked glasses further up his nose.

She made an acknowledging, cat-like noise in the back of her throat. "Maybe Sollux would fix it furr you?"

"You mean the yellowblood?" The very thought of asking a lowblood for _help_ had Equis sick and perspiring all the more. "I would rather wait and have time to do it myself. Captor can be rather . . . difficult."

"True, he's a bit of a jerk at times. But so is Karkitty and the rest of the litter!"

"I . . . can't exactly argue with that, can I?"

"Nope! Oh! Look, we're finally out!" Nepeta chirped happily, turning on to the road they occasionally use after school. The road that just so happens to lead straight to the hospital.

When they finally arrived in her room, Equis couldn't help the sigh of relief that rolled past his lips, moving to sit in one of the chairs around the hospital bed, seeing his matesprit still hooked up to all of the strange human and troll tubes, her blood pusher's thumps displayed on a dark monitor standing close by.

It always calmed the STRONG troll to hear her blood pusher was still beating.

"Hi Aradia!" Nepeta greeted the comatose girl cheerfully, hovering over her with a large grin. "I hope you're doing okay! Equis still won't shut up about you! He'd be crushed if something happened!"

"Nepeta!" he cried in horror.

"What? It's true!"

"Don't talk like she's bound to be harmed! You know I would never let anything happen to her!"

"Aw, I know! I'm just telling her I'm glad she's okay, is all! Sheesh." She stuck her tongue out and made a face at him, her moirail flushed blue and glaring slightly. "No need to get your tail in a twist."

"Please stop horsing around."

She smiled innocently up at him, but he wasn't fooled. There would be no stopping of the horsing around any time soon.

* * *

For the love of all that is Betty Crocker.

Until this point, John Egbert had actually thought he was having a pretty lucky day. School was let out early, and though he had been caught alone in the bathroom by Karkat (damn his small, demanding bladder!), the troll had just insulted him, glowered at him, and left the room without so much as accidentally spitting on him. It was like what that one troll kept saying, "Miracles!"

So there he had been, skipping happily down the halls, completely uninjured save perhaps his pride as a man, when BAM! He found out the doors were locked.

At first, it was nothing to fear. The school had _plenty_ of other exits. However, as he walked around, trying each one, he realized with a growing sense of horror that every. Single. One. Was. Locked. Yet! John was the sneakiest prankster to bear the Egbert name, surely, and so did not wasted at all standing around like a hyperventilating idiot, and instead quickly thought to try some of the many windows the school harbored.

Unfortunately, he couldn't figure out how to open any of them, and damaging school property was a big no-no in the Egbert house.

At least he hadn't seen Karkat in a while, and if they were _really_ trapped in the school, he'd have caught sight of the other boy some time, right? That meant there _had_ to be a way out somewhere! Who knew, maybe the short-tempered troll had already shatter a window, or created a nice Karkat-shaped hole in the wall somewhere.

He'd just have to find the exit the Cancer used, and wah-la! Freedom!

It was a perfect plan. Nothing could possibly go wrong with it.

John went about searching all the windows and rooms through the school, trying to find some sort of escape point. But alas, he must have conveniently missed the troll-made exit, because he could find it nowhere!

Oh well. What better to do with his time than to pester a friend who simply would not answer their messages?

* * *

-ecotBiologist [EB] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]-

EB: hey!

EB: are you busy?

CG: AND IF I AM? MY SHORT, PATHETIC LIFESPAN DOESN'T REVOLVE AROUND DIPSHITS LIKE YOU

EB: oh, goo, you answered! its been awhile

EB: im sort of stuck in my school right now, so i thought i might try getting your attention

CG: YOU'RE INSIDE THE SCHOOL?

CG: HOW IN THE REVOLTING CREATIONS HUMANS CALL FOOD DID YOU MANAGE SUCH AN IDIOTIC FEAT? OH WAIT. I FORGOT. YOU'RE A MENTALLY DISABLED ****NUGGET WITH A HORRIFYING TASTE FOR MOVIES AND ADVENTURE

EB: conair is an awesome movie!

CG: YOU WOULDN'T KNOW AN "AWESOME MOVIE" IF IT HIT YOU IN THE DIGESTION BAG AND PROCEEDED TO BEAT YOU TO THE AFTERLIFE OF DREAM BUBBLES

EB: you believe the afterlife is filled with dream bubbles?

CG: OF COURSE IT IS

CG: I'M NOT A BLITHERING FOOL LIKE YOU

EB: weird

EB: so what are you up to? im bored

CG: WHY THE **** AM I NOT SURPRISED?

CG: YOU ARE THE WORST EXECUSE FOR A PERSON I HAVE EVER HAD THE MISFORTUNE TO MEET, YOU KNOW THAT RIGHT?

CG: IF THE FATE OF EVERYONE DEPENDED SOLELY ON YOUR SHOULDERS, WE WOULD ALL BE BLEEDING RAINBOWS RIGHT NOW. THE WORLD WOULD BE COVERED IN THE BLOOD OF TROLLS AND HUMANS ALIKE

EB: nah, id save my friends!

CG: WONDERFUL. SO EVERYONE BUT YOUR FOOL-HARDY FRIENDS WOULD BE SENT TO THE BUBBLES.

CG: HOW FAN-****ING-TASTI 

* * *

Karkat Vantas hadn't seen him in time, too busy chatting with EB, and apparently John hadn't seen him either, because the next thing he knew, a body was slamming into his, sending them both reeling backwards, phone clattering to the tiled floor.

"What the ****?" Karkat shouted angrily, narrowing his eyes at the gaping Egbert.

"You're still here?!" He exclaimed, blue eyes wide and frantic behind his glasses. Karkat wondered if anyone had ever been so unhappy to see him before. Knowing his shitty personality, probably. "I thought you'd found an exit!"

"Well, guess what? You thought wrong, genius."

With another glare, he bent down to retrieve his phone, lying next to the Egderp's, when his eyes just so happened to graze over the other's phone screen—and completely freeze.

There, on that very screen, was line after line of grey and blue text, chattering on about dream bubbles and death.

Holy ****ing shit.

John didn't seem to notice that Karkat's phone mirrored his, too busy staring at the Cancer like a dejected puppy because the Vantas still just so happened to be in the school building. He took advantage of the moment to swipe up his phone and shoved it into his back pocket, blood pusher thumping in his ears and a headache forming in the back of his head.

Perfect. John Egbert was his mystery online friend that he also happened to be bullying. This was just ****ing wonderful. He didn't know whether he wanted to do a nice facepalm combo, or spit out a speech-long apology for why he sucked as a person.

Why the hell did the ectoBiologist have to be _John_ of all people?


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is going to be the last of my daily updates, I'm sad to say. I had everything up to this chapter pre-written, and though it should only take a few days now, I'm still announcing a day to the everyday chapters. Forgive my slow writing abilities, please.  
> Warning: This writer loves misunderstandings. Also, the file-upload thing may have been written wrong. Feel free to correct this.

Sollux Captor wasn't sure if he was conscious or not.

Whenever he slept, he always dreamed. Of course, they were always terrible nightmares, visions of blood and death and worlds ending and people screaming and everyone he knew was falling—but not this time. This time, there was nothing but darkness. And even this darkness didn't seem like a real thing, as if it wasn't so much dark as it was an absence of light. True and utter nothingness.

It frightened him, as he was positive that if he wasn't dreaming, his eyes were open. He could feel them fluttering as he blinked rapidly, turning his throbbing head this way and that, but he was still met with nothing.

In this distance, he thought he could hear something. Was that . . . it sounded suspiciously like a body of water.

He didn't like water.

"Oh! You're finally awake!" a slightly familiar, girlish voice said, tone tinged with relief. He could hear her shuffling close to him, cold fingers brushing against his forehead.

He flinched back from her touch, and was thankful that she didn't try to reach for him again. "I can't glubbin' believe that Eridan would go this far. It wasn't like everyone in the whole building was responsible for taking his lusus away! But no, even though _he_ was the one who couldn't keep tract of his dad, it's _everyone's_ glubbing fault. Ugh, I can't stand him sometimes!"

Now Sollux remembered that voice. She was the one the hipster douche called "Fef." The one who accompanied him to the aquarium.

When he didn't respond, the girl continued talk, the sound of fabric ripping ringing in the pisionic's ears, "He wasn't very happy that I made him carry you back to his house, but he was the one who made you like this, so I figured he should be the one to take responsibility—"

"What do you mean, 'made me like this'?" Sollux cut in.

"Er, wounded you? I mean, you did kind of collapse, and then Eridan practically killed you. And your eyes . . ."

"What about my eyes? What did that sick ****er do to me?" He was beginning to sound hysterical now, and from the silence, he was probably scaring the girl sea-troll, but at the moment he didn't care. "Tell me, damn it! _What did he do?_ "

"Well . . . he . . ." she sputtered. "Can't you . . . you know . . . not see?"

It was kind of obvious to everyone that Sollux couldn't see, which could only mean one thing. One thing he didn't want to know, not really, but it clicked in his mind anyway, the newly discovered loss followed by a nauseating rush of horror so strong he thought for a minute he'd throw up. Good thing he hadn't finished his lunch.

"I'm sure he didn't mean to," the girl quickly said, but her words were too hasty, clumsily falling over each other. "He—he just lost his control for a second, I swear! Sometimes he doesn't always know what he's doing!"

"Your friend _blinded_ me?" Sollux snarled, voice low.

"It—it might heal in time—"

"I'm going to kill him." It wasn't shouted or declared like one might think a war-cry should've. No, this was said quietly, a low, but sincere rumble that caused the sea-troll to shiver so violently Sollux could hear it.

He shoved himself off the soft surface he'd been laying on, feeling dizzy and unstable on his feet, but he ignored it, arms extended in front of him as he journeyed forward, praying he was walking in the direction of an exit. Too late did he remember that seadwellers sometimes made nests in caves, caves that were typically impossible to get to, unless one could swim.

Sollux cried out in alarm as he walked straight into a hole in the ground, slipping into a pool of freezing water that pushed and pulled him every which-way, thrashing about wildly, as he couldn't see which way was up or down, but luckily for him, he felt something snag his shirt and yank him back up, out of the water.

"I don't think that's such a good idea," the girl said as she carefully deposited him back to solid ground, a hint of amusement chasing at the concern in her voice.

He panted, gulping in air as he curled up on the floor, soaking wet and miserable. "I'll kill him." It didn't come out nearly as strong as it had before, but that didn't mean he didn't damn well mean it still. "I swear to gog I'll kill him."

For a few minutes, there was no other sound but Sollux's heavy breathing, a pregnant pause settling between the two in the cave. He didn't expect her to answer, but when she did, he didn't bother to even glance in her direction, still shivering on the floor as he was. "Well, I guess you're just going to have to wait for Eridan to get home."

With that said, he felt something soft dropped on his thigh—some kind of fabric, maybe?—and then the sound of her walking away, followed by a loud, echoing splash.

Sollux Captor was now all alone in a murderer's cave.

* * *

Karkat Vantas and John Egbert were in the middle of a frozen stare-down.

He wasn't sure how long he and the human had been like this, staring at each other in complete silence, shock and horror on either's face, though he wasn't sure why the John Human looked so astonished. Didn't the idiot know all the doors were locked?

Karkat, himself, was trying to somehow wrap around his mind the knowledge that _this damn idiot was his online moron-buddy_.

How he'd fail to notice all the signs, he was ashamed to say he didn't know. It was obvious from the slang and metaphors the other used that his partner had to be human, and then that stupid buck-toothed emoticon? Honestly, who else would be stupid enough to use such a face when messaging another? Who else would be so happy all the time, even when they were slighted and insulted?

He couldn't believe how much he'd screwed up. If John ever found out, it'd be Human Hell. The happy-go-lucky fool would never talk to him again; he'd be hurt—no, he'd be lacerated. His fragile human heart wouldn't be able to take all the betrayal, all the bullying from his currently-unknown troll frenemy. They'd forever be at odds.

Why, it was almost as if this screw was _destined_ , or somethin—

Wait.

Oh gog. This—this might be it. This might be _perfect_.

When John found out that his online partner was his number one bully, he'd hate Karkat. He would burn with betrayal and a hatred that would rival the ~~imaginary~~ legendary ex-black relationship between Vriska and her supposed "seadweller." The black feelings would burn so hot and dark it would eclipse the very pathetic sun that warmed this gogdamn planet. It was like this future kismesissitude was written for them in the _stars_.

However, he couldn't relay this traitorous information yet. It would scare John, and Karkat didn't want fear. Fear would take too long and too much effort to turn into hate—no, he needed to devastate John without actually scaring the milk-drinking pussy.

How he was going to go about _that_ , Vantas had no clue, but he'd be damned if he didn't try.

He was suddenly and rather rudely forced from his thoughts when a decidedly girlish shriek tore through the air, and Karkat came to just in time to see Egderp running the opposite way down the hall, screaming at the top of his lungs, "I'M TRAPPED IN SCHOOL WITH KARKAT! I'VE FINALLY ENTERED HELL! I'M SORRY GOD! HAVE MERCY ON MY HUMAN SOUL!"

What. The. Hell.

* * *

John Egbert did _not_ scream like a little girl. It was a manly, albeit high-pitched war cry of glass-shattering proportions.

He also did not claim to have entered Hell like a panicked, illogical child. Obviously. Where would anyone even get the idea he would do something so immature and idiotic? Pfffft, the imagination of some people.

However, that does not mean he didn't fast-walk himself right out of that scary count-down-to-explosion with Karkat, and it does not mean he didn't shove himself into a supply closet far, far away from the infamously angry troll and try to hold his breath just in case the Cancer had followed him.

Eventually, he was forced to take in a large gasp of air, but when the door didn't immediately fly from its hinges, he assumed he was safe for the time being.

Hugging his knees to his chest, he tried to message CG again, but the dang guy had completely stopped talking to him after his last cut-off message, and so after a while of trying and failing to get the other to talk to him again, he started scrolling through all of their past conversations, allowing his mind to wander.

After John had told his online buddy Karkat's name, the guy had barely spared him a word. It was obvious to John that his friend was a troll—he was oblivious, not a brain-dead idiot—so maybe he _knew_ Karkat? After all, he had hurriedly signed off after Karkat's full name was mentioned, and had a spazz attack through text every time John told him something about his bully. Oh, man, maybe they were _friends!_ He'd had a particularly bad response after John mentioned Karkat having nine friends, after all.

But if that was true, CG had to go to his school. All of Karkat's friends went here.

John's brow furrowed as he thought back. He didn't know most of Vantas' friends very well, but he tried to pair up their actions and behaviors to his online friend, especially after he told them about Karkat, as well as the troll's whole name.

It hit Egbert like a brick when the answer finally came.

But of _course_ , it was so obvious once one thought about it. The pieces all came together so neatly, so perfectly. It was perfectly plain now.

CG was obviously Kanaya Maryam.

After all, after John had given away Karkat's personal information, Karkat had started to act less mean to him. Kanaya was a friend of Karkat's, and not only was she nice to pretty much everyone, but she'd even come up to John after school and asked him what he thought about troll-human relations! She probably just talked fancier because she wanted to impress him; after all, it had been the first time they talked face-to-face!

She must have gotten on to Karkat and told him to stop bullying John. What a sweet friend!

Of course, that also meant that she probably hadn't wanted to go out with Egbert. It was a rather sad and disappointing thought, as he'd really liked the idea of a pretty, intelligent being crushing on little ol' him, even if he wasn't quite ready to date anyone yet. Then again, John supposed it was _still_ possible for her to like him, so who knew?

He'd have to make sure to talk to Kanaya more from now on. He wouldn't give away what he knew just yet—the pranking possibilities were just too perfect!—but now that he knew she was his best internet buddy, how could he resist?

Maybe Rose would like her, too! She seemed really smart, and Rose _loved_ people who could give her intellectual (read: nerdy) conversations! It would all be so perfect!

* * *

Karkat paused suddenly, ears straining. Did he just hear a door open?

A second later, a familiar call sent a chill down his spine and his eyes flying wide. "KARKAT VANTAS! WHEN I FIND YOU, I WILL RIGHTFULLY PUNISH YOU TO THE POINT WHERE ALL ELSE THAT FOLLOWS WILL BE TAGGED AS CHILD ABUSE!"

_Shit!_

Time to call in some backup.

* * *

-carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling arachnidsGrip [AG]-

CG: VRISKA, I NEED A DISTRACTION

CG: QUICKLY

AG: Not even going to say hi? Rude.

CG: HI. NOW HELP ME

AG: Ugh, fiiiiiiiine, I guess I can help you this once.

AG: What do you want me to do?

CG: KANKRI HAS BROKEN INTO THE SCHOOL AND IS CURRENTLY HUNTING ME DOWN SO HE CAN GUT ME LIKE ONE OF THE DISGUSTING EARTH OINKBEASTS

AG: Okay, and this matters why?

CG: BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO DIE YET, DAMN IT

CG: DISTRACT HIM SOMEHOW

AG: I thought you told me not to manipul8te anyone anymore?

CG: **** WHAT PAST ME SAID. JUST HELP ME. NOW.

AG: Okay, okay! Sheesh.

AG: Give me his num8er and I'll see what I can do.

CG: HERE

-carcinoGeneticist [CG] uploaded file DOUCHELORD'S NUMBER.txt-

AG: 8e right back! :::;)

-arachnidsGrip [AG] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]-

CG: THANK GOG

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> #Kankri is tagging this as child abuse #this isn't actually child abuse #Kankri denies that last statement #shut up Kankri or I'll tag you as a child abuser #I hope no one actually reads the author notes #Kankri likes this statement #this isn't Facebook #Kankri unliked that last statement #Kankri is a child abuser #this writer has schizophrenia #shut up Kankri
> 
>  
> 
> CG: BOTH OF YOU SHUT YOUR DAMN SEED FLAPS
> 
>  
> 
> #Kankri tagged this as anger issues #the writer likes this statement


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Kankri is extremely weird, teenagers are not so big on ethical rules, bad fish puns, and an incredibly boring chapter.  
> Tread cautiously.  
> Also: all has reason.

-gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG]-

GC: H3LLO TH3R3 >;)

TG: oh its you

TG: youre that weird blind dude that likes to make the awesome comics right

GC: 1 4M 4 G1RL TH4NK YOU V3RY MUCH!

TG: oh my bad

TG: weird blind chick then

GC: >:P

GC: Y3S 1 4M TH4T "CH1CK" YOU R3F3R TO

GC: WH4T OF 1T?

TG: nothing i just heard about you from some other users and on tumblr and stuff

TG: your comics are both notoriously shitty and da bomb all in one

GC: WHY TH4NK YOU

GC: 1 TH1NK

TG: im being ironically serious here your comics are ****ing awesome

TG: i just want to know how you got my chumhandle and why the hell youre trolling or pestering me or whatever this shitty site is now calling it

GC: 1 SN1FFED 4 COOLK1D W1TH H1S OWN COOL COM1C, SO 1 THOUGHT 1'D CH3CK OUT TH4T N1C3 R3D SC3NT

TG: oh

TG: so youre like a fan

TG: thats pretty cool i guess

CG: OH? YOU TH1NK 1M COOL NOW, MR. COOLK1D?

TG: if you have enough taste to know my shit is cool than yea your cool by my book

GC: W4S TH4T 4 BL1ND JOK3?

TG: what

GC: YOU S1CK L1TTLE 4SSHOL3! >:O

TG: i have no idea what youre talking about

GC: DO YOU TH1NK 1T'S FUNNY TO M4K3 FUN OF BL1ND G1RLS, COOLK1D?

TG: no

GC: DO YOU F1ND 1T 3NT3RT41N1NG TH4T 1 H4V3 TO SM3LL OUT MY FR13NDS 4ND OTH3RS?

GC: TH4T 1 H4V3 TO L1CK YOUR D3L1C1OUS R3D L3TT3RS 1N ORD3R TO R34D YOUR WR1T1NG?

TG: thats kinda creepy no offense

GC: W3LL, OFF3NS3 T4K3N!

-gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG]-

TG: what the actual ****

-tereminallyCapracious [TC] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG]-

TC: wHaT tHe MoThEr**** DiD yOu Do, BrOtHeR?

TG: i dont reall know

TC: ThIs SiStEr Be ShEdDiN aLl SoRtS oF bItChTiT nAsTy TeArS

TG: shes talking to you right now

TG: i thought she hated you or you hated her or you were in some sort of hate relationship that was all steamy and hateful

TG: like bathing in the hate fumes

TC: NaH, wE hAvEn'T bEeN bLaCk FoR a WhIlE nOw

TC: wE aRe AlL fRiEnDs Up In HeRe

TC: HoNk :o)

TG: weird

TG: so is she really crying or are you pulling my leg here

TC: ShE's CrYiNg LiKe A lItTlE gRuBsIs :o(

TG: damn

TG: any ideas on why

TC: ShE aTe ToO mUcH

TG: are you actually talking about your dumbass snake

TC: WoAh, BrOtHeR

TC: CaLlIoPe IsN't DuMb. No NeEd FoR tHe HaTeFuL wOrDs

TG: dammit dude you had me all worried id just made some random girl on the internet cry why in the hell would you even do this to me

TC: sAy WhAt NoW?

TG: nevermind chuckleboo

TG: just tell me about your adopted serpent child or whatever it is you call her

TC: WiLl Do, MoThEr****Er

* * *

Jade Harley didn't venture far from the school. In fact, one might say she didn't venture much at all.

Grandpa Harley was still tending to the mess of their family aquarium, so he wasn't able to pick her up as soon as the school closed, and instead she wondered to the library just a block or so away. Of course, the library was also closed, but Jade wasn't one to let such trivial things stop her. It was easy enough to use her pocket knife and open one of the windows, slipping quietly inside.

The library, being a rather small, dismal sort of thing, had virtually no security besides a fire alarm and the weakest anti-theft system the young girl had ever seen, only activated if a window was broken or someone walked through the front doors while the building was closed or before they'd checked out a book, assuming they were hiding one on their person. Jade was smart enough not to do either, and so she continued happily on her way, unhindered by the annoying beeping of an alarm and the knowledge she only had a few minutes before the police showed up.

She made her way past rows upon rows of used books, their pages severely dog-eared and torn here and there, probably driving the librarian crazy.

Jade supposed she could have just snuck into the school's library, but quickly dismissed such thoughts. Firstly, the school's security system wasn't nearly as crappy as _this_ one's, and secondly, she was sure the staff would double-check all the rooms and buildings in case any stragglers remained inside. Only an idiot would still be inside the school right now.

Rounding the last recently-cleaned shelf, she found herself greeted by the back wall, and what's more, a long table full of ancient, boxy computer monitors, currently powered off as they wouldn't be in use after closing.

She slid a chair in front of a random computer and bent to press a finger to the power button, tapping a finger against the table impatiently as she waited for the ancient technology to boot up, sighing softly. If it was taking this long for the electronic to load, she had a feeling it wouldn't be taking a significant edge off of her boredom.

With an impatient sigh, she began tracing odd patterns into the wooden table with the tip of her nails, the looming boredom so much as to—hey, was something carved into the wood?

Jade glanced down in surprise, only to see a little map carved into the table top. It looked like some sort of city or town, with messy cylinder-shaped items and snaking, choppy paths connecting them all to one another. If she squinted, it almost looked like someone had labeled this little map as "CAN TOWN." In fact, someone had even drawn a little almost-person shape in the middle of CAN TOWN, with an arrow pointing to it and labeling the figure "THE MAYOR."

Oh man, this was just adorable. She would take it home with her if she could, that's how adorable this was. Instead, she settled on taking a quick picture of it with her phone, smiling to herself. Her only three friends would probably love to see this, but unfortunately, there was a lock on the library's Wi-Fi, so the only objects with any Internet were the crappy desktop computers.

Oh? Was this a labeled "PARCEL MISTRESS" she saw on the outskirts of CAN TOWN? A. Frickin'. Dorable.

Giggling to herself, she decided to add to little map by taking her pocket knife and stabbing some shallow cuts in the wood, labeling them "FIREFLIES." Because why not? Her computer still wasn't loaded—oh, wait. Yeah it was.

Towns built solely with cans were immediately forgotten as she turned back to face the chunky piece of technology in front of her, quickly signing in to the system (she'd been there enough to know the password and username the computers used) and signing on to the Internet.

However, Jade had always been just a tinsy bit nosy, so when a message popped up declaring the last session had been abruptly closed down, and questioned whether she would like to restore said session, she clicked affirmative.

What could she say? She had hours to kill and was incredibly bored. And nosy.

She forgot, of course, that the computer would take _forever_ to load, but once it did, she very curiously looked over the chat room that was restored—a chat room that had yet to be logged out of, even.

What she saw made her frown. Some douchebag with a large and impressive vocabulary was basically preaching on the chat room, so it seemed, and though it appeared that many a person had tried to come on and troll said preaching douchebag, the idiot hadn't caught their drift, and continued his ranting almost-monologue. It was almost like its own blog, right here in this random chat room. It was no wonder only three people were currently signed on—Jade wouldn't have been anywhere near this guy had he been trying to monologue to a bunch of people in his red droning speak.

And jeez—the social right activist had been on the chat for _eight hours_. Was some kid skipping school?

Ew, or what if it was some creepy older person who waited around for eight hours so he could watch the kids coming out of the high school down the road? _Jade_ was part of that high school! Ew, ew, ew! Bad thoughts! Bad thoughts!

Oh, look. Blue text was beginning to appear with a fetish for eights. Did anyone but weirdos go onto chat rooms anymore? It was no wonder Grandpa Harley banned her from them—all these people were seriously messed up in the head! Weirdo alert!

. . . But maybe it wouldn't hurt to reacquaint herself with chat rooms? Not this one, of course—she could already see the red text coming back to life, letters furiously cropping up, faster even than the navy text could hope to type, and Jade felt no need to get into _that_ mess. So with that, she found herself slowly loading up the page to good ol' reliable, better known as "pesterchum."

What do you know! Someone was already on!

* * *

-twinArmageddons [TA] joined chat-

-gardenGnostic [GG] joined chat-

TA: Glub?

GG: hi there! :)

TA: )(-ELLO! W)(o are you again?

GG: no one you know, hopefully

GG: just a bored female sitting in a library being bored

TA: O)(, I sea!

TA: T)(en we )(ave somefin in common! I'm a girl too! 38D

GG: wow, really? well i guess its not so surprising

GG: pesterchum is a really big place right now! everyone seems to be on here all the time!

GG: in fact im kinda surprised we dont have anyone else on here with us

TA: Reely?

GG: i think so!

TA: Coral.

TA: So )(ow does t)(is contraption work?

GG: um, i dont think it gets anymore complicated than this unless you decide to have a private session with someone . . .

TA: Glub glub glub.

GG: why do you keep doing that?

TA: I )(ave to! My collapsing and expanding bladder based aquatic vascular system demands it!

GG: are you trying to tell me youre a fish? :\

TA: I'm a sea dweller!

GG: . . . uh . . .

GG: . . . . . . . .

GG: . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

GG: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . huh.

TA: Glub? 38?

GG: well. i, uh, have to go now.

GG: bye!

TA: Goodbye!

-gardenGnostic [GG] left chat-

TA: S)(e sea-med nice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All these colors are making me spazz out. There's just SO MANY AND THEY'RE ALL SO PRETTY AND BRIGHT AND VIOLENT I CAN'T EVEN--  
> But yeah. Total Gamzee moment there. Whoops


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What's this? A new chapter? That's right! This has not been dropped and I apologize several times over to those who thought it was. I just. Yeah. Didn't upload or write. So, uh, sorry.  
> Warning: I am stupid and this chapter only proves my point.

John Egbert was bored. _So bored_.

He didn't know how long he'd been stuck in the supply closet, but whatever the time; it was much too long to be healthy.

How he wished CG would respond to his messages! Now that he could put a face to the name, somehow, though it was slightly more awkward (he had always imagined his online pal was a boy, so to find out otherwise was rather jarring. Especially when the girl was not only ridiculously pretty, but a troll. At least Kanaya was scary like _some_ trolls he knew!) than it had been before, there was a new thrill in talking to the internet buddy that hadn't been there before. It was almost like he was getting to know the person behind the name all over again!

But alas, CG hadn't come back or responded to his pestering, so he forced himself to give the girl some space. He didn't want her to be angry at him later, if they happened to meet again in person.

"I SUGGEST YOU COME BACK HERE WITH HASTE IF YOU DON'T WISH FOR ME TO SMITE THEE WITH THE UTMOST FURY MY SMALL VESSEL FOR A BODY CAN WITHOLD FOR MORE THAN A FEW MEESELY MINUTES!" Someone boomed outside in the halls, the echo of footfalls creeping around the door of the storage closet.

Oh shit. It's Karkat.

"JUST BECAUSE ONE OF YOUR INSUFFERABLE ACQUAINTANCES HAS DECIDED TO SPONTANEOUSLY AND RATHER RUDELY PESTER ME ON THE INTERNET DOES NOT MEAN YOU HAVE BEEN REDEEMED OR FORGOTTEN ABOUT. HAUL YOUR MUTATED BUTTOX BACK HERE BEFORE YOU TRIGGER MORE THAN YOU ALREADY HAVE."

John wasn't really sure what the troll was yelling about, but nevertheless, as the footsteps became louder, he shrunk back against the wall, cowering behind the thinnest mop the world could possibly offer him.

The door to the supply closet burst open, the outline of a distressingly familiar silhouette blocking the doorway and his only chance of escape, head slightly bent and arm extended as if the troll was staring at something he was holding in his hand. From the faint glow, John assumed it to be a phone.

He flinched when the head turned up to look at him, trying and failing to sink further behind his mop.

"Oh, excuse my rudeness. I mistook you for someone else—a troll, in fact. Might you have seen him? He and I are identical besides the permanent loathing forever scrawled across his dark complexion." There was a pause, "Also, I don't think you are supposed to be within proximity of the education building, human. But on with my question, please."

"I—uh—Karkat?"

"Yes, he is the one I seek."

"He . . . er . . . I don't know where he is. Sorry." He curled into a protectively ball, eyes trained nervously on the troll profile still lingering within the doorframe, sure he was about to be beat bloody. Oh gosh, with no one else around and his exit blocked, he could be _killed_ and no one would be any the wiser for days! John was too young to die! He still had pranks to pull and friends (Dave) to beat at Mario Cart!

But to his surprise, all he heard was a sigh before the strange Karkat-look-alike left, fingers still tapping away at his phone as he disappeared.

Or, well, John _thought_ he'd disappeared. Come to find out, with a furious shriek and a howling war cry, Egbert was distinctly proved wrong as he heard what he swore was a vengeful battle to the death raging right outside the door, growling and yelping taking turns ringing loudly through the air, causing the frightened boy to shudder and press his back ever more firmly into the wall behind him.

Terrified, he slowly made his way to the door, shaking as another ringing screech filled the air, sweating bullets as he peeked around the corner to see what the hell was going on. He paled when he found the Karkat-look-alike killing the real Karkat, who was clawing at the tiled floor as if for mercy.

John Egbert very quickly fled back into the storage closet and proceeded to begin barricading the door.

He supposed the nice thing about having Karkat and Not-Karkat battling to the death outside of the room he had currently locked himself in was the fact that they were loud enough to alert to him when they were still there. The two trolls _never_ shut up, even if it was only to yell insults or laugh victoriously as one gained the upper hand.

Honestly, after ten minutes, John was back to square one: boredom.

So, obviously like any bored boy he began pestering his friends. CG wasn't on, he already knew, so he quickly went to the person most likely to find something entertaining for him to think on.

* * *

-ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]-

EB: hi rose!

TT: Hello, John.

TT: Might I inquire as to why you are so randomly and so jovially contacting me? Not that I mind, of course, but I was led to believe you usually chat with Dave when you can.

EB: what? a guy can't talk to one of his gal pals these days?

TT: . . .

EB: ok, you caught me

EB: i am suuuuuuuuper bored

EB: i'm also sort of locked in a closet with some trolls having a death match outside, so there's not really a whole lot else to do right now

TT: I see. Pray tell, where exactly are you?

EB: i just said

EB: i'm locked in a closet

TT: But where is this closet you are locked in?

EB: uh

EB: well

EB: don't yell at me

TT: I would never dream of it.

EB: i'm sort of locked inside the school. but it wasn't my fault! i was going to use the bathroom, and then i ran into karkat and things just got really, REALLY crazy! And now i'm stuck inside the school

EB: . . . . with karkat.

EB: that's right rose, your friend is in mortal danger here. some other guy who looked a lot like him showed up and is handing him his ass outside.

EB: it's weird

TT: You're locked inside the high school with Karkat Vantas right now?

EB: yes

TT: Interesting. What does this Karkat-imposter currently beating the young troll down look like? I'd like more specification than "like Karkat," if you don't mind.

EB: er, i think he was wearing a red sweater.

TT: Go on.

EB: um, and his horns were really nubby. like karkat's.

EB: he also talked a LOT. and the things he said sounded really boring and didn't make a lot of sense to me at the time. he talked like you, but he used more word and was definitely more boring

TT: Wonderful. I've always wanted to be compared to a boring chatterbox.

EB: hehe, i bet!

EB: anyway, do you know any ways i could get out of this?

TT: What makes you think I would know anything of the sort?

EB: aw, come on! you're super smart and strategic, rose! i bet you already have like five different plans i could use to get out of here, don't you?

TT: Perhaps.

EB: knew it!

TT: Can you leave the closet?

EB: well it's locked from the inside if that's what you mean. i can leave, but no one else can get in unless they break down the door and everything piled up behind it.

TT: Good. Leave the closet, John.

EB: uh

EB: see, rose, don't think i'm doubting you or anything, because i'm not, but there's a slight problem with that.

EB: i'm too scared to move.

TT: That is a problem.

EB: yeah.

TT: When was the last time you tried to get up and move around?

EB: i don't know, i haven't really been keeping time.

EB: probably a few minutes, though

TT: I suggest you try again. If you can, I'm going to ask you to carefully peek to locate where the battling trolls are, assuming you don't already know, and then make a break for it in the opposite direction. Was the Karkat imposter there with you two earlier?

EB: now that i think about it, he wasn't!

EB: i guess that means he must have found a way in by himself! wow, rose, you're so smart!

EB: see, i told you that you could figure something out for me!

TT: You're welcome. Proceed with caution, please.

EB: aye aye, captain!

-ectoBiologist [EB] has changed their status to idle-

-ectoBiologist [EB] has changed their status to online-

EB: rose

EB: rose, we have a problem

TT: What is it?

EB: they're chasing me and i'm pretty sure they're about to catch me.

TT: Oh my. Were you quiet when locating them?

EB: i thought so! i guess i wasn't quiet enougn;ng[qgvn

TT: John?

EB: ncni cf[qv

EB: nnvnoeevneruitrh

TT: I'm assuming they caught you then.

EB:qrgnuhelpaernisgqa

TT: You poor soul. I will make sure to tell Dad Egbert that his son fought long and hard for his life. You will be remembered, John. And your legacy shall be great.

TT: Especially your funeral.

-ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]-

TT: Goodbye, and farewell.

* * *

Damn, this kid screeched like a ****ing banshee. One would have thought Karkat had torn his pink, fleshy arm off the way he shrieked and struggled in the troll's hold, as if his very touch was burning him.

"Would you stay _still_?" the Cancer hissed, ignoring Kankri, who was standing slightly off to the side, jabbering on about "human rights" and how Karkat was violating all of them by looking at John or some shit like that. Luckily, he had practice at tuning his dancestor out, and he did just that, mindful to keep his claws from piercing his captive's soft skin as he did.

"Let go of me!" John yelled, squirming fiercely.

"Would you hold on for one ****ing second? Gog, it's like you think the building is bombed!"

That made Egbert slow in his struggles, and the troll tilted his head slightly so he could glance at the confusion twisting the other's face over his shoulder, "How would _you_ know that? Didn't they close down the school for a terrorist attack?"

That was a surprisingly good point. So good, in fact, that Karkat was at a loss for how to respond.

Maybe they should move their little hate-meet outside.

"Let's just get out of this useless damn building," he all but growled, dragging a stumbling John after him, Kankri cruelly following them as they made their ways to the entrance doors. "You said you came in through here?"

"This is where the friendly humans unlocked the building for me, yes."

Asshole. "I'm going to bite you if they don't open."

Kankri probably responded, but Karkat had once again tuned him out, and with a glower to the doors and a whimpered protest from John, who was now trying to shake his arm loose of his companion's hold, he pushed the doors open and stepped out into that sweet and very much missed sunlight, even when it made his eyes sting like a swarm of buzzbeasts had suddenly decided to attack his vulnerable ocular orbs.

"Hey, there's my dad!" John beamed, waving with his free hand and somehow managing to look like a complete and utter doofus when he did. "Hi, Dad!"

Well, shit. There went Karkat's extra time to try to woo his kismesis-to-be.

"Son, where have you been this whole time?" a very professional, very average-looking man demanded, striding up to the trio with his suit without wrinkle and his snazzy hat snug on his head. Out of the corner of his eye, Karkat thought he saw Kankri eyeing the man's outfit appreciatively, but as soon as he saw it he promptly turned his head and deleted the horrifying image of Kankri in a similar suit from his mind.

"Uh, potty break?" John replied sheepishly.

The "Dad" human did not look pleased by this answer. Karkat was forced to drop his grip on John's arm as the "Dad" human snatched the boy by the shoulders and began steering him away to the parking lot, muttering about how "worried he was" and how "irresponsible it was of him to do that" and other lusus-like things.

"I don't mind to pry," Kankri started once they were alone, making his descendant tense immediately, "But why were you chasing that boy?"

"None of your ****ing business."

Kankri gave him a look, but received only a snarl in return.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm allllllliiive (barely)! Woo!  
> I'm sorry guys, I tried to just write this with curse words but . . . I couldn't make myself do it. Apologies to any and all bothered or who find it harder to read due to this style.  
> Warning: Eridan and Sollux don't really like each other and enjoy expressing said dislike.

\--carcinoGenticist [CG] began trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA]\--

CG: KANAYA

CG: I HAVE A SITUATION.

GA: Hello To You Too, Karkat.

CG: HI.

CG: NOW HELP ME. I KNOW YOU LOVE TO MEDDLE, WE ALL DO, SO THERE'S NO POINT IN PRETENDING YOU AREN'T DYING TO HEAR EVERY LITTLE SHAMING DETAIL OF MY MISERABLY TROLL-HORMONE-STREWN DAY.

GA: It Sounds Like You Have Quite The Situation.

CG: THAT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE ADVICE.

GA: It Wasn't Meant To. Excuse My Rudeness.

GA: So I Am To Take This To Mean You Are Having Romantic Troubles, Correct?

CG: CORRECT.

GA: Hm. Might I Inquire Who These Romantic Troubles Are With?

CG: **** NO.

CG: KANAYA, TELLING YOU THE NAME OF THE UNFORTUNATLY HATEFUL MORON I AM CURRENTLY WAXING BLACK FOR WOULD BE TO COMPROMISE THE RELATIONSHIP ITSELF FROM EVER HAPPENING.

CG: NOT ONLY WOULD YOU TRY TO DRAG US INTO AN AUSPICE, BUT JUST SAYING HIS STUPID AS HELL NAME WITHIN A SENTENCE CLAIMING THAT I, KARKAT VANTAS, AM BLACK FOR HIM COULD RESULT IN THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT LAUGHING AT MY EXPENSE AND SHITTING ON ALL OF MY PLANS TO WOO HE WHO SHOULD NOT BE NAMED.

GA: My, That Is A Problem.

GA: Then Might I Ask What Exactly You Want Me To Tell You? Did You Not Already State That You Have Made Plans To Woo This "Unfortunately Hateful" Individual?

CG: MY PLAN IS A BUNCH OF BULLSHIT.

CG: I NEED SOME MORE PLANS I CAN USE TO WORK UP TO MY GRAND SCHEME. MY ULTIMATE PLAN. A PLOT SO DEVIOUS THAT EVEN THE TROLLS WITH THE BLACKEST FEELINGS WOULD GASP AT THE HATE REQUIRED FOR SUCH A DEED.

GA: I See. So You Wish To Consult Me For Ideas In Order To Blacken Your Destined Partner's Feelings Then?

CG: YES. THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I WANT.

CG: A START.

GA: Goodness. Have You Ever Thought About Talking To John Egbert? I Know You Like To Antagonize Him And Think Him To Be Human Scum, But He Could Probably Suggest A Few Human Pranks That Would Make Even The Friendliest Person Hate You For The Rest Of Eternity.

CG: NO, ABSOLUTELY NOT. THIS ADVICE CAN'T COME FROM THE DREADED EGBERT OR ANYONE OF THAT DISASTER-PRONE HUMAN GROUP.

CG: BUT PRANKS

CG: I COULD DO PRANKS. KANYA MARYAM, YOU ARE A GENIUS. YOU GO TELL CAPTOR TO BEND OVER AND TONGUE YOUR CLASSY NOOK AS SOON AS HE APPEARS ONCE MORE FROM THE VOID OF WHO-THE-HELL-KNOWS.

GA: Tempting, But I Better Not. He Might Challenge Me To A Computer Game.

CG: GOOD POINT. BUT YOU CAN ALWAYS SAW HIS MONITOR IN HALF.

CG: ANYWAY, I HAVE TO GO TO TROLL GOOGLE TO FIND PRANKS FOR TOMORROW. GOODBYE, KANAYA.

GA: Goodbye, Karkat. Happy Pranking.

\--carcinoGenticist [CG] ceased trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA]\--

 

* * *

 

Sollux Captor somehow was able to tie the fabric Feferi gave him around his head, though it felt slightly crooked and a little loose, but tying the damn thing was quite a bit of trouble and so he refused to attempt it again if he didn't have to.

There was that moment of panic when his fingers skated along the edge of said fabric, little tufts of threads brushing against his clawed digits, and felt warm, wet spots on the fabric, as if they'd been used before given to him. But no—he delicately lifted the cloth; only just enough to slide his finger around the sensitive skin of his eye, and felt a sticky, clumping liquid that came away when he pulled back his finger. He still couldn't see, but as a troll with violent friends and quite a bit of bad luck, he was well aware of what blood felt like.

Oh gog. That fish asshole seriously hurt him, didn't he?

His blood-pusher stuttered in his chest at the thought, hands shaking slightly. Gog, what if he was _permanently_ blind? What if—but no—could that hipster douchebag have ripped out his eyes?

He . . . he didn't want to check. Honestly, he wasn't sure what he'd do if it ended up being dead-on (really, Sollux? Was that supposed to be a pun at a time like this? He wasn't sure he'd ever met a troll _or_ human more pathetic); after all, he was stuck in the underwater home to the prick who caused his blindness in the first place with no one knowing where he'd gone. In fact, he was pretty sure by the absence of bulge in his pocket that he didn't have his phone either, not that it would have survived the swim required to get to the seadweller's cave.

Sollux still half-wondered where it could have possibly ended up. Phones didn't just crawl out of young troll's pockets and sneak away.

 _. . . Okay, enough with this shit. Captor, you may be a pathetic nookstain, but you are no pussy. Hurry up and poke those damn ocular orbs to make sure they're still there._ He really, really didn't want to. _Do it._ However, he figured it was best to check before he tried to escape the cave and ended up infecting what might be holes straight to his thinkpan, so with a deep breath, he tentatively reached one finger up and carefully brushed where his orb should have been. To his surprise, they hadn't been burned or painfully torn from his sockets, which he was incredibly grateful for.

Why couldn't he see anything then? Had that numbskull poser burned out his retinas with that strange light? It wasn't impossible, especially given how sensitive a troll's pupils tended to be towards light. Or, he supposed, the fish dick might have done something to him while he was unconscious.

He swore to gog he was going to slaughter that kid as soon as he came back. Sollux held no doubts that the girl—Fef, or whatever her name was—had probably aided Eridan in the slaughter of everyone at the aquarium, nor did he have to wonder if she helped the douchelord drag Sollux into his nest (why they'd do this was definitely still up for debate, but he had more important things to think over at the moment), but he was almost certain she hadn't _blinded_ him like that stupid prick, and for the time being, that was his major issue. Screw everything else; his sight was an instant add on to the "I Am Going to **** You Over" list.

However, since he couldn't very well escape the cave on his own, seeing how he couldn't swim (oh, look, a blind pun! He was on a roll today, wasn't he?), the only thing left to do as he waited was look around for weapons and anything else deemed helpful. With luck, he might just find something heavy enough to brain the sea-troll once the unlucky bastard came back.

 

* * *

 

 

Within the span of four and a half hours, Eridan Ampora had successfully re-lost his lusus.

He supposed it didn't matter too terribly much, so long as those disgusting landwellers kept their filthy hands to themselves, so he only looked around once, shrugged, and began swimming back home. Seahorsedad tended to act like a dick anyway, so at least this way, Eridan could travel back home in peace.

Who needed their lusus anyway? Not this troll, that's for sure.

He was perfectly content just knowing that his lusus was no longer locked up on the land anymore with those filthy kidnappers.

It wasn't until Eridan was at the mouth of his hive that he remembered Feferi had taken one of the landwellers to his home. Great. Hopefully the lowblood was still sleeping so he wouldn't have to deal with whatever whines or screams the thing made.

Curling his fingers around the edge of the entrance, he heaved himself up and out of the water, dripping the essence of the sea from, fins twitching at the sudden change from water to air. His gills flexed, eating up the gratuitous amounts of oxygen, and he sighed, starting to rub his neck—only to be conked upside the head by something heavy, hard, and loud. He didn't have time to wonder what it was or who had hit him before he blacked out, the echo from the object making contact with his skull ringing in his soundflaps.

When he came to again, he was cold, shivering, and lying back against what he could only guess was the hard surface of his own floors. His head felt sticky and heavy, not right, his body not quite obeying his commands.

"**** yeah," An unfamiliar voice said above him, sounding irritatingly smug.

Eridan's thinkpan throbbed, a groan rolling out of his mouth. Everything felt painful and wrong and cold like this. Who had dared to do this to Eridan Ampora, Prince of the seas and crown of the purple-blooded Ampora family line? What peasant had decided to forfeit their life today?

Peeling his ocular orbs open had never been so hard, but he did it, blinking away the double images and dark dots dancing in front of his pupils. He waited until his vision had righted itself before he looked up into the face of his attacker, and saw . . . oh. Right. The guy Feferi had kept him from killing back at the on-land sea prison. Cod, he knew he should have slit the kid's throat as soon as Fef stopped looking. But no, he had to save this twat because his _flush crush_ asked him too. He was such a pitysick idiot.

"How-w dare you!" Eridan snarled up at the lowblood, whacking back his own degrading thoughts.

The lowblood had the nerve to raise an eyebrow at him and sneer. _Sneer!_ "Are you kidding me? 'How dare I?' I'm not the one who killed a bunch of innothent civilianth out of nowhere!"

Oh cod. That lisp. Eridan had never heard such a terrible sound in his entire life. "I don't know-w w-what you're talking about." And in all honesty, he didn't. He wasn't well versed in the language of the inferior, so he wasn't all too sure what "civilians" were, but he knew there were no "innocents" to speak of at that terrible sea prison. Every disgusting person in there knew exactly what they were doing to the poor aquatic creatures caged and trapped inside.

The lowblood's face twisted into something even uglier, something that made Eridan want to close his eyes and look away. Ugh, he hated ugly things. This guy needed a mask or something to cover his flawed features.

"Gog, you are thuch a prick. I'm actually going to enjoy killing you."

Ha! Like this dirty landweller could possibly lay a finger on Eridan Ampora of all people.

The lowblood raised his hand, revealing one of Feferi's cooking pans (Eridan would have to scold her later. He _told_ her it wasn't a good idea to leave her stuff lying around where anyone could take it). So that was what had knocked him out. Eridan wouldn't let that mistake happen twice.

The peasantblood brought the pan down, obviously with every intention of hitting Eridan with it once more, but he craned his head out of the way just in time, his thinkpan sending a bright flare of pain through his head and the cooking pan ringing out against the rock next to his soundflap. Ow.

He swallowed a wince and realized the lowblood was standing over him, legs outside of Eridan's to keep them trapped there. Right. Like that would work.

Eridan kicked out as hard as he could at the lowblood's calves, heard the kid swear as he went down and quickly scrambled to stand up, smirking in victory even as his 'pan screamed in pain. It didn't really matter though, he was positive that killing this brat wouldn't take very much time now that he was back on his own two feet.

He kicked the kneeling lowblood again in the ribs, so hard the kid coughed and fell to his side. Perfect. The peasant was now curled at Eridan's feet, right where he belonged.

His harpoon gun was lying on the floor by the mouth of his hive where he must have dropped it after being hit, so he walked over and grabbed it, pointing its sharp end at the gasping inferior hugging himself on Eridan's floor. What a sight the kid made! A true representation of whatever blood cast the brat most likely fell in. From the dried blood on the boy's cheeks, Eridan guessed he must have been one of the mustardbloods. Talk about being low on the scale, indeed.

"I w-would say this w-would be a good lesson for you to learn your place," Eridan commented, walking closer once more, gun held tightly in his hands. "But I hav-ve no plans to let you liv-ve that long." Kind of cheesy, but whatever. It got his point across.

"Thcrew you!" The yellowblood spat. Literally.

Ew. Eridan would have to clean that up later. "Sea you in the next dream bubble, pissblood."

He went to squeeze the trigger, but he froze when he heard something break the surface of the water at the mouth of his hive. The landweller paused too, looking confused and alarmed, but Eridan paid no real attention to him. Instead, his focus was solely on Feferi, who was staring at the two of them with her mouth hanging open, goggles resting on top of her head. Shit.


End file.
